You Will Forever be My Always
by lulubell2352
Summary: In season one episode two Deacon and Rayna got into a huge fight. Maybe instead of running away Rayna listened to what her heart is trying to tell her instead of her head.
1. Chapter 1

Bucky, Deacon, and I are at a rehearsal talking about the new stage set up for our new/old tour. Smaller venues, and Deacon and I doing an intimate set. Basically, just the two of us pouring our hearts out to one another but now that part is different. The idea of us going back to where we started, singing love songs night after night scares me but I don't have a choice. I have to do this for my family, and I have to figure out a way to control how I feel. I think that is what scares me the most, not being able to. Our songs hold so many emotions and by singing them it brings them all back up. After all of this time, I have a feeling those emotions will be even stronger. Deacon and I have balanced a relationship and sometimes we tip toe extremely close to crossing the lines I set. Singing those songs again might be what pushes me to do something I can't take back. Bucky is talking to us with Deacon and I on one side. My back is gently pressed up against Deacon's chest.

 _"This side or this side. Whatever you feel more comfortable with."  
_ _"I never doubted you, not for a second."  
_ _A young man walks in the side door carrying a guitar case asking for Deacon.  
_ _"Is Deacon Claybourne here?"  
_ _"Right here."  
_ _"How are you sir? Juliette Barnes asked me to deliver this to you."  
_ _He sets a case with a giant red bow on top of it, in front of us. After he sets it down I distance myself from Deacon slightly.  
_ _"Providence and insurance papers are there in the case. You want to get that on your policy for no less than $50,000 as soon as possible. It's nice to meet you."_

As he walks out I feel my blood pressure rise and the veins in my neck start to pop out. Why in the hell is Juliette giving Deacon a $50,000 guitar? Seriously who does this girl think she is! All three of us stood there looking at the damn thing and Bucky could tell I was about to lose it.

 _"What…the hell…is that?"  
_ Deacon doesn't say anything at first. I glared at Bucky and he fumbles to fold the layout of the venue.  
 _"I'm gonna let you two talk. Ughh Rayna I'll call you later."  
_ _He rushed out of the room. I positioned myself to the other side of the stacked cases. I put my hands on my hip waiting for him to say something, anything!  
_ _"Sometimes a guitar is just a guitar."  
_ _"Is it just a guitar?"  
_ _"Yeah."  
_ _"Is it just a $50,000 guitar? It's not a bribe for you to go do Juliette Barnes' tour?"  
_ _"I don't know what she's thinkin'. Alright!"  
_ _"I don't know what you're thinkin' doin' all this!"  
_ _"Doin' what?"  
_ _"While our tour is hangin' by a thread."  
_ _"She wanted to write a song. We wrote a song. That's it! I don't know what the big deal is?"  
_ _"You don't know what the big deal is? How about the big deal is we gotta do a show we haven't done in a decade and a half."  
_ _"I know that!"  
_ _"I need you here. Workin' on our tour, on our songs!"  
_ _"Hey Ray! I'm here right now! I'm workin'!"  
_ _"You're…You're not! You're out swatting around with Ms. Sparkly Pants! And I'm here, trying to figure out if we can even do these songs without completely humiliating ourselves."  
_ _"What are you even talkin' about! These songs! I play these songs! Every third Thursday at the Bluebird. I'm there, playin' our songs! You'd know that if you'd been once in the last ten years!"  
_ _"Don't you dare try to act like I haven't been there for you!"  
_ _He's quiet for a moment licking his lips and looking down at the ground.  
_ _"You wonna see what it looks like, me not bein' there for you!"  
_ _I grab my bag and strut towards the door.  
_ _"What's it look like?"  
_ _"This is what it looks like!"_

I stormed out of that room and let the door slam shut behind me. I threw my purse onto the floor and ran both of my hands threw my hair. I could hear him saying, " _If I wanted to fight like this I'd have a damn girlfriend."_ Deacon and I never stopped fighting. We are two very passionate people that are stubborn with everything we do. We wouldn't be us if we didn't fight but he's never said anything like what he just did. How could he even think that I haven't been there for him. I stood beside him for eleven years. I went through four rehab failures. I spent countless nights wondering around looking for him when he missed our gigs. I got calls from hospitals, each time scared to death they were calling me to come and claim his body. I was his everything…for eleven years and he was mine! I never left his side, even his fifth stint in rehab. I paid for it and visited on family day. Once he got out I checked on him as often as I could and made Coleman tell me how he was doing. After sometime I brought him back into my band because he had ruined every other working relationship. I have always been there for him, and the fact that he thinks that I haven't…hurts more than all of the pain those eleven years hold. He doesn't know it but I have also been to see him play our songs at the Bluebird. I'm there every third Thursday. I just make sure he can't see me.


	2. Chapter 2

After I calmed down I drove home. But when I got there my night got worse. I walk into my house set my keys down on the side entrance table and let out a deep breath. I want to lay down and release this entire day from my body but then I hear Teddy and the tension in my neck instantly returned.

 _"Rayna."  
_ _I chuckle. "Hey." He grabs my hands.  
_ _"Lets get this over with."  
_ _"Ok." I push past him into our front foyer room.  
_ _"Hello. How are y'all? Rayna Jaymes." I reach my hand out to shake the two gentleman's hands.  
_ _Teddy is slowly backing out of the room shutting the door.  
_ _"Yes. Big Fan."  
_ _"Thank you."  
_ _We sit down on the couches, them in front of me. They pull out notepads and begin.  
_ _"So when you were just starting out, you dated Deacon Claybourne for 11 years?"_

Eleven years… I was with him for eleven years fifteen years ago. Still shocks me to think about, the time. Our relationship lost stability and became an up and down rollercoaster that still makes my head spin. Countless nights I cried myself to sleep when I couldn't find him hoping and praying he wasn't dead somewhere. The darkness that consumed him when he drank started to consume me. The darkness made those eleven years seem like a lifetime and what made dating not the right word to describe me and Deacon.

 _"It was a little more than dating." I shook my head.  
_ _"Yeah."  
_ _"At some point, you began to see your husband. While you were still involved with Deacon?"  
_ _"It was more like entangled." I roll eyes. "And y-yeah, Deacon had some personal problems, so I started to date Teddy."  
_ _"At what point did you end your relationship with Deacon?"  
_ _I let out a deep breath. "I didn't. He's still in my band. We, you know, just sort of shifted gears, I guess. If you mean when did I end my romantic relationship with him, I did that when he went into rehab."  
_ _"He had a substance abuse issue."  
_ _'Yeah. If you'd have known him back then, you probably wouldn't say it so politely. But yes, he… Let's just say if he had not gone to rehab, he probably wouldn't be with us today."  
_ _"And your husband said you paid for his treatment?"  
_ _"I did."  
_ _"And did you continue your romantic involvement with him during his time in rehab?"  
_ _"No. No. It became clear to me that Deacon was not… And you know I was involved with Teddy, and we got married so."  
_ _"While Deacon was in rehab?"  
_ _"Yeah."  
_ _"And in the intervening years between then and now, has there"  
_ _"No, absolutely not. You know guys I'm so sorry I'm going to have to stop. It's just so… Excuse me if you will. Thank you."_

I avoided Teddy went straight upstairs and changed into something more comfortable. I wanted out of this jean skirt. I changed and left for The Bluebird. I sat in my car nervous. This was going to be the first time in about 15 years I would let Deacon see me watching him. Watching Deacon perform holds a special piece of my heart. I fell in love with him watching him perform. On stage he is the best version of himself and it's nice to see that side of him because there was a time I thought I would never see it again. Tonight I want him to see me watching him. He needs to know I have always been there for him and I always will.

I walked in just as he was finishing a song. I put on a brave face and walked in grabbing a seat near a familiar face. He's happy up there. He didn't notice me at first but I was clapping and yelling for him just like the rest of the audience. When he turns my direction and notices me his smile gets even bigger.

 _"Yeah! How about these guys!"_

His smile becomes a grin. His grin…even after all these years is still the same and it still makes my stomach turn. I know right in that moment he was going to invite me up on stage. I wanted to join him but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't also a little scared.

 _"Uhm…ugh little surprise. I got a friend out there tonight, in the audience. A really special and talented friend. And I'd like to ask her to come up here and do a number with us. Ugh please put your hands together for Mrs. Rayna Jaymes."_

I wave awkwardly and maneuver my way up to the stage. I look at him and notice how genuinely happy he looks in this moment. I reach out and kiss him on the cheek and wrap my arms possessively around his neck. I pull away and sit down on the chair Gunnar had brought up for me.

 _"Oh my goodness!"  
_ _"Yeah!"  
_ _"It's great to be at The Bluebird!"_

I sit smiling looking out at the crowd. It feels strange to be back up here but it also feels familiar like I'm home. As I embrace the feeling I hear Deacon say to the band No One Will Ever Love You. He then leans over and says it to me and all I can do is nod.

 _"This is a song we actually that we first performed right here at The Bluebird. Uhm yeah that was about 20 years ago."  
_ _"Oh no, that's, I…I was in pre school 20 years ago."  
_ He laughs along with the audience.  
 _"Well…Well we're going to play it for you right now."_

The band starts and the introduction brings déjà vu. We performed this song so many times but the feelings it brings never went away, which was one of the reasons I took it out of every performance while he was in rehab. Right before my entrance comes I look at him.

 _Don't you try to tell me someone's waitin'.  
They're not waitin' for you.  
Oh and don't you try to tell me that you're wanted  
That you're needed.  
Cause it's not true.  
I know why you're lonely.  
It's time you knew it too. _

_No one will ever love you.  
No one will ever love you.  
No one will ever love you.  
Like I do."_

Once I started the no one will ever love you's, it changed. We changed. His piercing blue eyes were filled with this love that was all too familiar. I could feel everything all over again.

 _Why you always lookin' for the lime light?  
Ain't you satisfied with me?  
For once why don't you get down off your high heels  
You're no big deal, can't you see."_

 _I know why you're lonely  
It's time you knew it too.  
No one will ever love you  
No one will ever love you  
No one will ever love you  
Like I do. _

_I'm all you've got  
I'm all you'll ever need_

 _I'm all you'll ever have  
No one will ever love you  
No one will ever love you  
No one will ever love you  
Like I do_

 _Like I do  
Like I do"_

Aside from a few lines, we looked at each other the entire time. The crowd applauded and yelled and I pulled my gaze away from him. We smile and then I feel him reach for my hand I had resting on my thigh. He squeezes it and looks back at me, the crowd still applauding but all I want is to get off of this stage. I pull my hand out from under his and turn to speak into the microphone.

"Thank y'all! I'll get off the stage now so that y'all can enjoy the real reason you came here tonight."

I stand up and the crowd yells and applauds again and I hear Deacon say, "Mrs. Rayna Jaymes everyone."

I wave and walk to Watty in the back. I wanted to leave but if I left it would just draw attention. So I stand in the back vaguely listening to the rest of Deacon's set. He kept looking at me trying to ask me if I'm ok. I know that song did something to him too. I kept giving small smiles trying to reassure him but I know I wasn't convincing.

After his set, his fans went up to him. I chatted with Watty and few others until most of the crowd cleared out.  
"Let me walk you out?"  
"Yeah."  
We walked out the front but I turned around at the door looking for him. I wanted him to know I would wait for him outside. He catches my eye and nods. I push the door open and walk out.  
Watty and I reach my car.  
"Thanks for walking me."  
"No problem songbird. I'll talk to you later."  
He reaches out to hug me and I hold on a little longer then I should have. He held me tight but said nothing. I muffled my crying in his jacket but quickly snapped out of it.  
"I'm so sorry." I pull back and wipe my face.  
Watty still says nothing. He just waits for me to get into my car and then he heads to his. I sit for a while…thinking.

I should get out and wait for him at his car. I stood with my back against the back of his truck with my arms crossed. I'd only been there a few minutes when the door opens and I see him walking with his guitar cases in hand.

"I thought you would have left by now."  
"Yeah…well."  
He placed his cases on the floor and I move out of his way as he loads them. After he finishes he moves to the passenger side door and opens it. I hesitate but ultimately get in. he walks around and gets in the driver's side door. We sit in silence not looking at one another.  
 _"I wish we hadn't done that song."  
I continue to look forward, hands on my lap, and trying not to cry.  
"Now what are we going to do?"  
I turn to get out, but I feel his hand on my arm.  
_Deacon: "Ray…Rayna."  
I turn back towards him first looking down but then lifting my head to look at him.


	3. Chapter 3

**The song is this chapter is Every Little Thing by Carly Pearce.**

"I have and always will be there for you."  
"I know. I didn't mean…I'm sorry for ever saying that. You have been everything!"  
I look down and feel the tears slowly fall down my face.  
"I should go."  
I wipe my face and gather my purse. Just as I am about to pull the handle I turn back towards him. I can see the water marks on his face. He's been crying too.  
"Tell me not to go."  
Confusion, shock, and a little bit of hope all gather on his face.  
"Come to our spot with me."

I don't say anything I just nod. Deacon starts his truck and pulls out of the parking lot. We sit in silence, the whole drive. We pull in and we get out. I walk towards the wall and Deacon goes to get his guitar and notepad. I stop at the ledge and wait for him to catch up. He jumps down and places his things on the ground. He turns back to me and I squat placing my hands on his shoulders. He places his hands on my waist and I jump down. I land with my face inches from his.

"After all these years, you can still jump that wall. Thank you."  
"You're welcome."  
He holds me for a second but then lets go. I walked to the picnic table with him right behind me. I sit down and he sits down beside me.  
"So… are we going to talk or write first?"  
Deacon laughs and reaches for his notepad and give it to me. The then opens his case and grabs a pen from the bottom.  
"We were always better at writing."  
He places the pen into my hands. Then pulls his guitar out and starts strumming.  
"I have an idea…But I don't know how you are going to feel about it."  
"What is it?"  
Deacon continues to strum, avoiding looking at me as he speaks.  
"I had a dream about you…the other night. But when I woke up."  
He pauses.  
"It's going to sound crazy. But, when I woke up…I uhm I rolled over to the pillow beside me and I swear I could smell you. That lavender smelling shampoo and body wash, God that smell. It was strange because you don't wear it anymore but also because you have never been in my bed…at that house. But it was like you had just been there."  
He turns to me and gives me a sympathetic look. I know what he's saying. We haven't written a song, a song like that since before Teddy.  
"Sounds like a good place to start."

We stayed up all night writing. We finished just as the sun was coming up. We were laying on the grass, my head resting on his chest. I couldn't remember the last time I stayed up to watch the sky transition from dark black to a light blue. I pull myself up and yawn will moving my hair from my face.

"It's a gorgeous song, but we should talk."  
He sits up behind me. He pulls his knees up and wraps his arms around them.  
"We probably should."  
"But right now, I need to get home to the girls. Get them ready for school."  
He runs his hands over his face and lets out a groan.  
"Yeah. I'll drive you back to The Bluebird."  
We packed up and drove to my car.  
"Have a good morning with your girls. I'll talk to you later Ray."

I drove home and went straight to Daphne's room. I wake her first, she's the easy one. After I went to try to wake the difficult one. Maddie takes several attempts. Once I managed to drag her out of her bed I went to my bedroom. Teddy was still asleep so I went to the closet as quietly as possible to change. Once I was ready I went downstairs and started the girls breakfast and packing their lunches.

"What time did you get in?"  
"Ughh… late."  
"Where'd you sleep?"  
I turn to answer but down comes Daphne.  
"Mommy. Mommy. Mommy."  
"Daphne. Daphne. Daphne."  
"What's for breakfast?"  
Teddy sits at the counter drinking his coffee avoiding looking at me.  
"Pancakes with blueberries."  
Down comes Maddie.  
"Can I have mine with chocolate chips?"  
"Sure sweet girl."

I make the breakfast and Teddy continues to sit in silence.  
"Alright girls go grab your bags, we need to get going."  
Teddy's head shoots up and finally makes eye contact with me.  
"You're taking them today?"  
"Yeah."  
I grab the keys as the girls kiss Teddy goodbye.  
"Come on girls we're going to be late. Enjoy your day Teddy."  
He doesn't respond as I head out the door.

I dropped the girls off and stayed in town to run some errands. I had just gotten back in my car when my phone rang and Deacon's name appeared.  
"Hey."  
"Hey. You busy?"  
"Not at the moment, but I have to get the girls later. What's going on?"  
"Think you have time to swing by the rehearsal space? I want to show you something."  
"Yeah, I've got some time."  
"Great! See you soon!"

I hung up and drove that way. I grab my bag and my cup of fruit as I head inside. I walk in and Deacon walks up to me. He grabs a few grapes out of my cup and grins at me as he tosses them into his mouth.  
"Ok, promise you'll keep an open mind."  
Before I can answer he pulls my hand and leads me to the rest of the band.  
"Alright guys lets show Ray what we've been working on."

The band starts and I listen closely.  
Half way through I turn to him.  
"…is this?"  
"Yeah."  
I let out a deep breath. It was beautiful, it was more than I had imagined. He took our words and brought it alive.  
"Wonna sing it?"  
I turn to set my purse and food down. I walk to the mic and he goes to his guitar. He's facing the band.  
"From the beginning. And 1, 2, 3." And the intro begins.

Rayna:  
 _The scent that you left on my pillow_  
 _The sound of your heart beat with mine_  
 _The look in your eyes like a window_  
 _The taste of your kiss soaked in wine_

Both of them:  
 _Every little thing_  
 _I remember every little thing_  
 _The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting of every little thing_

Deacon:  
 _I guess you forgot what you told me_  
 _Because you left my heart on the floor_  
 _Baby your ghost still haunts me_  
 _But I don't want to sleep with her no more_

Both of them:  
 _Every little thing_  
 _I remember every little thing_  
 _The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting of every little thing_  
 _Every little thing_  
 _I remember every little thing_  
 _The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting of every little thing_

Rayna:  
 _They say time is the only healer_

Deacon:  
 _God I hope that isn't right._  
 _Cause right now I'd die_  
 _To not remember every little thing_

Both of them: _  
I remember every little thing_  
 _The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting of every little thing_

Rayna:  
 _I'm haunted by the memory of_

Both of them:  
 _Every little thing_  
 _I remember every little thing_


	4. Chapter 4

When Deacon and I first started out the first word used to describe us was chemistry. Even as the years went on that word never disappeared. We just, I don't know become one in a way. We perform off of each other and it just takes over the room. Sometimes I wish there was a way for me to experience us from the outside. I wonder what it's like for everyone to witness the Rayna Jaymes and Deacon Claybourne chemistry. I know how it feels to be the one beside him, to be the one in the moment of passion with him. Sometimes we enter this haze of another world that consists of only the two of us. And we just do what we were put on this earth to do, sing. In this haze, everything else disappears and we're our most vulnerable selves. Is it like that for the fans? Is it that consuming?

"That felt like yesterday."  
That song, that performance was one of those moments. I heard him, but everything in me was numb and I didn't know where we were. I nodded and managed to mumble an uh huh. He just continues to look at me smiling. For a second it feels like it did in the beginning. And I was just this young undamaged bright eyed girl in love with the older boy with a guitar. But I hear my name.

"Rayna."  
"Rayna?"  
"Hello Rayna?"  
I pull my eyes from his and turn my head in the direction of the voice.  
"Rayna, did you hear me?" it was Bucky. He wasn't here when we started, when did he get here?  
"Are you ok?"  
"What? Yeah, I'm fine. When did you get here?"  
I walk over to him and give him a quick hug.  
"I got here on the second verse. You didn't notice me?"  
I shake my head.  
"I've never heard that song before? Did you write it recently?"  
I avoided Bucky's questions and asked him about the tour and how the details were coming. He gave me a look but ignored me not answering his questions and began filling me in. But honestly, I wasn't listening. My head was still foggy and I was trying to control my breathing and get my head clear. In the middle I hear Deacon in the background dismissing the band. And before I know it he's standing right beside me, with my fruit!

"Hey Buck."  
"Hey Deac."  
"What'd you think?"  
"Of the song? I caught the last half but it sounded good. Is it new?"  
Before Deacon can answer I interrupt.  
"Buck was just sharing details about the tour."  
"Oh really? How's it comin?"

I know I should have been paying attention but I zoned out again. Deacon was right…that felt like yesterday. The problem is, it isn't yesterday. I'm married…to someone else. We aren't two people in love who can just go out on stage and pour our hearts out to one another. We are different people now. We have separate lives, what are we doing?

"What do you think Rayna?"  
"I'm sorry what?"  
"Leaving in three weeks? I know it's soon but… seriously are you ok? You don't look too well."  
"You know what" I look at my watch. "I have to go and get the girls from school. I'll talk to y'all later."  
I head to the door without looking in his direction. I needed to get out of there. I was at my car when I realized I left everything inside. My purse, my keys, damn it. Just as I turn around to head back in, out he comes. He runs my direction.  
"Forget something?" he holds the bag up between us.  
I grab it "Yeah. My mind." I smile up at him. "Thanks."  
"Look Ray, I know you are freakin' out a bit. I'm gonna give you some time. Call me when you are ready to talk."

He leaves me standing next to my car. I watch him go back inside. Once he closes the door I look down at my watch. Damn it, I'm going to be late getting the girls. I shuffle through my purse for my keys.

I pick them up and we head home. We sit in the kitchen and talk for a while but I eventually send them upstairs to work on their homework so that I can start making dinner. I check my phone but there are no calls or text from Teddy. His car wasn't in the drive way when I pulled up so had I messaged him asking where he was. But if I'm honest I was relieved when he wasn't here. I needed some time and I didn't need him attacking me as soon as I got in the door. He still hadn't called or shown up for dinner so the girls and I ate without him in the living room while watching a movie. Once it was over I sent the girls up to their rooms for bed. After I tucked them in I made my way to the music room.

I sat on the couch nervously tapping my fingers. I looked at the notepad but wasn't really in a writing mood. I started messing with my rings but stopped and got up to get what I really wanted, the box. The Deacon and Rayna box I hide in here because Teddy never comes in here. I sit on the floor and place the box in front of me just staring at it. I tried to remember the last time I brought this thing out but I couldn't. I lift the lid and the first thing I grab out is the forever bracelet. I hold it in my hands running my fingers over the letters over and over again as I remember the day Deacon gave this to me. A warm feeling surrounds me as I think about that simple moment. It was actually the first gift he had ever given to me and he had saved up for weeks to buy it for me. We were at The Bluebird eating some fries, drinking beers, and talking. We had performed there earlier and neither of us were ready to go home. He got quiet and started messing with his front pocket.

 _"What are you doin?"  
"Tryin to get somethin out of my pocket but the damn box is stuck."  
"Box?"  
He pulls it out and sets it in front of me. I look at the black box he set down, then back at him, then back at the box.  
"Open it."  
I reach out and open it. And sitting inside is a silver band with the words Forever engraved. I look back at him as I hold it in my hands.  
"It's nothin fancy. I just…I just wanted you to have something to remind you. To remind you that no matter what happens in our lives, where we end up. You will always and forever have me and I will never not be there for you."  
I didn't know what to say. I sat looking at it with tears in my eyes. He grabbed it out of my hands and gently placed it on my wrist. Once it was on I grabbed him and kissed him and lightly whispered "Thank you."_

I set the bracelet down and pulled out the napkin. The napkin with A Life That's Good written on it. The song he says he wrote by just lookin at me. It's wrinkled with lines from being folded countless time. There are also a few water marks on the sides from my tears. Sometimes after a fight, or after I would drop him off at rehab I would pull this thing out and just hold it. It made me feel safe, like he was still there. Below are pictures, so many pictures. God we were so young. I looked so much better back then. Somehow that isn't true for Deacon. I always thought he was handsome but he has absolutely gotten better with age. It's strange, it feels like these pictures were a different life. Just seems so long ago. Once I get past the pictures, the journals start. They are simple black notebooks. Each journal containing a part of our history, filled with my thoughts, some lyrics, random words, even drawings. The older ones are worn out and flimsy. I would reread the beginning entries because they were so happy and filled with hope. Over time they turn dark and rereading those are painful. Folded up is an old t shirt. I pull it up to my nose to smell. I don't know why. His smell disappeared years ago, I guess it's just habit and familiar.

As I pull the t shirt from my face I see the ring. The simple silver band. That ring was suppose to be a symbol of our new beginning and our future. With that ring I was suppose to have the life I had wanted so badly for so long. The life where I was his wife. I turn it over in my hand. In actuality it represents our end. Waking up that morning, I was the happiest I'd been in years. Only to have every ounce of joy drained from my body when I walk out of our room into the living room to see him passed out next to a bottle of whiskey.  
 _"Were you drunk last night when you asked me?"  
"When I asked you what?"  
_Up to that moment, there had been numerous times that he had hurt me but in that moment he shattered my heart.

I stand up and put on one of our old records. I bring the sleeve and the others back to the floor with me. I read over them as the songs play in the background. What was I doing? Going on this tour would be like playing with fire. We crossed our boundaries last night at The Bluebird. If we do this tour, I don't know what it will do to me, to him. Playing these songs isn't fair to either of us. No matter how much I need this tour, I just can't do this to us. The reason we've been able to maintain a relationship at all is because we avoided these songs. These songs were off limits when he came back into my band. They just hold too much history and too many emotions, good and bad.

I snapped my head up when I Shouldn't love you's intro started. Those first few notes always bring me goosebumps. Listening to this song you can feel everything, it's real and it's honest. Our vocals are like a pleading tone that consumes me each time I hear it. I forgot this song was on this record. I start to cry and rest my head down on my knees. I don't know if I can avoid it anymore. I've pushed everything down so far because I made choice. I married Teddy and with that decision came responsibilities that I couldn't ignore. But these last two days, they've brought everything back. Everything I pushed is now scratching at the surface begging to come out and I'm tired. I'm just so tired of hiding, of lying. I love Deacon Claybourne. And that's just never not been true.

I hear the door open and I know it's him. I don't move because it's not like I could have hidden any of the things around me before he walked over. He walks slowly and I can feel him examining everything I've brought out. I keep my head down trying to control the tears from falling before I look at him. I lift my head slowly and look at him to say,  
"We should talk."


	5. Chapter 5

Teddy waved his arms at all of the things I had scattered around the floor and said, "I'm not talking in here." Before I could open my mouth to respond he walked out. I sat in the middle of everything. Sitting in the middle of my past, the past that continues to pull at me. I got up and shut off the record player and put all of the records back in their spots. I went back to the floor and gently repackaged each item into the box and placed it on the coffee table. I went to open the door and hesitated for a moment. This was going to be a long night to an already long day.

I walked out and peaked into the study but he wasn't there. I was about to head up to our bedroom but I heard a noise in the kitchen. He was standing at the bar with an open bottle of whiskey and gulping down his glass as if it were water.  
"Can I have one of those?"  
Without a word he turns to grab another glass and pours me more than enough. I take a sip and welcome the old familiar feeling the burning brings as it flows down my throat.  
"Are you sleeping with him?"  
"What?! No! Teddy I would never…No! Do you honestly think I could?"  
"Do you want to?"  
"I honestly don't know how to answer that."

He doesn't say anything. He just continues to sip out of his glass. I don't know what to say. Where do we start?  
"So if you didn't sleep with him. What did y'all do last night?"  
"I went and saw his performance at the Bluebird. I joined him for a song and then after we went writing. We didn't finish until the sun came up and then I came home. That's all."  
"Yeah. I heard on the radio y'all sang No One Will Ever Love You. Watty said it was like it was 20 years ago and he was seeing y'all for the first time."  
He takes another sip.  
"I guess the tour is going to be a hit. Sold out at every venue on the schedule. Congrats."  
"Teddy…"  
"You know Rayna, _with a deep sigh_ there has always been three people in this marriage. You've never been able to let go of him."  
His tone changed. It was no longer filled with anger and hostility it was sadness and I could see his eyes starting to water.  
"I gave you everything he couldn't and I loved you with everything I had. But you…you couldn't even give me an ounce of that love back. I deserve to be loved and wanted. I'm tired Rayna. I'm tired of fighting for something you can't give me."

I feel tears starting to fall.

"I want to be happy Rayna, I can't remember the last time I felt happiness not just in our relationship, but just in general."  
"I can't either. We just sorta quit trying at some point."  
He nods whipping his eyes.  
"You know I know you would never have cheated on me with him because then you would have to admit that I was right all these years, about your feelings for him. But honestly Rayna, sometimes I wish you would have just done it. I wish you would have cheated. Maybe I could have let you go sooner instead of being stuck in this emotionally draining one sided love triangle."

"That's not fair."  
"Tell me I'm wrong."  
"You're wrong. I did love you. I would never have married you, raised two beautiful girls, or built a life with you if I hadn't. I loved you I did, but you are the one that was always comparing yourself to him. You were the one who couldn't let him go. I never compared you to him, you did that. For fifteen years I've chosen you every single day. I've chosen to love and support you because I am your wife and I wanted us. But you're right about one thing, I'm tired too. I'm tired of feeling like I have to prove my love and I'm tired of having the same fight."  
"So what do you want to do Rayna?"

A sigh of frustration came out as I ran my hands over my face and my fingers through my hair pushing it back.

"I don't know. We need to do what is best for the girls and with me leaving for six months in three weeks I just…I don't know."  
"Ok, so while you're gone I'll start looking for places. We'll wait to tell the girls until you get home but while you are gone, we're separated."  
"What does that mean?"  
"That means I'm no longer your husband. When you get back we'll tell the girls and then we can officially file."  
"So what about these three weeks? We avoid each other? And when the girls are around we pretend like nothing is wrong?"  
"There's no pretending. Our girls are smart and they know something is up but we can just blame it on you leaving. But it's probably best if I stay in the guest room."

I nod. We stand in silence for a few minutes but Teddy is the first to leave, with the whiskey bottle in hand. My marriage just ended. Fifteen years of my life, just over. And in a few months, I would have to break two little hearts that don't deserve it. How did I get here?

 **Hey y'all. I have no idea if anyone is reading this story but I'm enjoying writing something that is going to be longer than anything else I have written. I'm sorry for the shortness of this chapter but I felt it was important to give this conversation between Rayna and Teddy its own section. I hope whoever is reading is enjoying.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey y'all! I appreciate every single one of you that took the time to read this story and especially those of you who commented!  
So on another note I need to let y'all know about a few details before you continue to read on. ****_1\. In this story, Maddie is not Deacon's. She is Teddy's. I really struggled with whether or not I was going to add that dynamic into this story but I decided not to. Mostly because I want this story to really focus on Deacon and Rayna. Their friendship, but also who they are as individuals and how these versions of who they are will impact their future romantic relationship. 2. After this chapter for the next few chapters I will be switching perspectives between Deacon and Rayna. I want to express how this tour, they never got to take in the show, effects both of them._** **  
Ok that's it. I hope that y'all continue to read and enjoy!**

Every moment of the next three weeks were bittersweet. Teddy and I put everything going on between us aside and savored each moment with the girls. We both knew this would be the last time we would be doing this as a family of four. The last time Teddy would be doing it at all.  
After this tour, everything was going to change and even though we both knew we were doing the right thing for each other it was still emotionally devastating. We were making a decision that was going to hurt Maddie and Daphne and neither of us could protect them for that. I felt helpless and guilty because I am the one that is going to cause them their pain. I never imagined I would be the one responsible for hurting them.

So every day after my rehearsals we did something. We went shopping, had a spa day, got our nails done, and on days we stayed in we cooked dinner together. Every night we would end up on the living room couch. Some nights we would watch a movie all snuggled up close with popcorn, and other nights the girls and I would play music and Teddy would watch. Watching the girls harmonize together takes anyone's breath away. They are more talented than I could have imagined, and I love that they inherited my passion for music.

The day to leave arrived quicker than any in the past. I found myself more emotional with this goodbye than any other. Which was shocking, because I was a mess the first time I left Maddie behind because she was starting school. And any even bigger mess when I had to do the same thing with Daphne. Teddy and I decided early we would only have two kids so when Daphne got old enough to go to school I felt a sense of heart break I never imagined possible.

As we approached the plane I pulled Maddie and Daphne in for a hug at the same time.  
"Maybe I just don't go."  
"Mommmmm you have to."  
I pulled away and looked at their faces. Trying to memorize them. I swear they change so much while I am away. I placed a hand on both of their cheeks.  
"I love you both. So much! You have no idea."  
"We love you too mom."  
"Yeah we love you too. And I promise to make sure Maddie isn't showing belly or side boob when you come home."  
I laugh and kiss them on the cheeks.  
"Well thank you Daph. I would appreciate it if you both do your best not to change too much while I'm gone."  
I pull them in for one more hug.  
"Ok. Why don't y'all go wait inside while I talk to your dad."  
"Ok."

When they are out of ear shot I turn to Teddy.  
"Thank you, for these past few weeks."  
"You don't have to thank me Rayna. I want them to remember this time. Things are going to be different when you come home but at least in the future they can think back and have a good memory of us as a family. They'll know we both love them more than anything else in this world."  
I nod and pull him into a hug.  
"Ok. Well I'll call you when I land."  
"You don't have to. I know the girls will want to know when you land so you can text or call them. But you don't have to with me anymore."  
"Right."  
"Have a safe flight."

He turns and heads into the building with the girls. I see them waving in the window and I wave back as I head to the entrance of the plane. Bucky is on the plane already so I take the seat next to him. I set my purse down and sink into the seat.  
"You ok Rayna?"  
"Yeah. Leaving just never gets any easier."  
"I know."

The flight attendant came up and asked,  
"Can I get you anything to drink Ms. Jaymes?"  
"Oh please call me Rayna. What's yours?"  
"Yes ma'am. And I'm Candace."  
"Candace, that's a gorgeous name. It's nice to meet you."  
"It's nice to meet you too. I'm a huge fan. This Love Ain't Big Enough is one of my favorite songs still to this day."  
"You're too kind. Whenever you can, I would like whiskey, neat."  
"No problem."

Once Candace leaves I turn to Bucky.  
"What are we waiting on?"  
"Oh Deacon called last night and asked if he could ride with us. He had a writing session that ran long last night so he couldn't leave with the rest of the band."  
"Oh."  
"Here you go Rayna. If you need anything else just call."  
She hands me my drink.  
"Thank you Candace."  
I take a long sip.  
"Should I have told him no?"  
"No, it's fine."

Right after I said that in walks Deacon. He's wearing a blue green flannel that makes his eyes pop and just look unreal. He has a jacket over it and a pair of jeans that fit him just right in all the right places. He's carrying a bag on his shoulder and his guitar case in hand. He has on sunglasses on to cover his eyes but I can still see their outline looking straight at me. As he walks down the aisle he says,  
"Morning Bucky, Ray. I'm sorry I'm late."  
He sets his stuff in the seat in front of me.  
"You aren't late, we're just early."  
He nods.  
"Thanks for letting me catch a ride Rayna."  
"Of course. No problem."  
I take another sip of my drink and in walks Candace.  
"Good morning Mr. Claybourne. Can I get you something to drink?"  
"Just a water, thank you ughhh. I'm sorry what's your name?"  
"Candace."  
She smiles and walks away. I can't help but roll my eyes. Does he always have that effect on woman? He doesn't even have to speak and they just gawk at him.  
"Here you go Mr. Claybourne. If you need me or anything else let me know."  
I chug the rest of my whiskey.  
"Candace could I have another, please."  
"Of course Rayna. Be right back."  
Deacon gives me a questioning look but I just ignore him and pull out my phone.  
"Here you go."  
"Thank you."

The flight was good and smooth. The three of us jumped into all the details once we were in the air. We were starting off in New Orleans, Louisiana followed by somewhere in Missouri and after that I couldn't tell anyone even if my life depended on it. Even though this was going to be a smaller set up of a tour it was going to be spread out all over the United States. Some dates we only stayed for one night but for Texas we has 3 dates, California has 5 or 6, and several states have 2 or 3.

Once we landed we headed straight to the event center for sound check because our first show was tonight. I didn't get nervous until I stepped foot off of the plane. I was in my head the whole ride. In the last 15 years I have made myself into Rayna Jaymes, The Queen of Country. It's like acting, when I am The Queen of Country, I put on this face that smiles. I perform the big songs in front of thousands and thousands of people. On stage I'm an entertainer to a crowd of fans with dances and dialog to make their nights one they won't forget but it's all from a distance. Nothing about my shows come anywhere close to my old material. And during conversations at after parties or interviews for press, I'm private. My personal life is off limits and for the most part the interviewers know that.

But for this tour I am not going to be that version me. I'm going to have to go back to the Rayna Jaymes before the fame. The Rayna Jaymes that sings ballads with someone else in front of fewer people. Aside from singing all of my old songs, the questions around the tour will focus more on my personal life. _How does it feel to be singing these songs again? How does your husband feel about you singing love songs with your ex boyfriend? Will you be releasing new music with Deacon? Does singing all of y'alls old songs bring up old feelings?_ I'm not sure if I'm ready to be that vulnerable and exposed to people again.

"We're here."  
"Right."  
The three of us get out of the car, Bucky followed by Deacon and then me. Once inside Deacon turns to me and hands me his set list book.  
"So I put something together kind of like what we did in rehearsal three days ago. I just moved a few songs around."  
I read over it and it was just a sickening feeling. Rehearsals had been good. Awkward because we hadn't talked about that night in the park or about the song we wrote but it wasn't the right time. I can tell Deacon is wanting to and I know we need to, I just didn't want to during those three weeks.  
"Ugh I thought we decided to do Post Card from Mexico last to end the show on a fun high note."  
"If we do that it puts 3 ballads in a row. So by moving it up and ending on No One  
Will Ever Love You there is more of a balance."  
"Ok. I trust you."

Sound check was quick and easy, and since I wasn't going all out in terms of wardrobe I was ready and standing backstage as if in the blink of an eye. I can feel him standing beside me but I don't want to look at him. If I look at him I might lose what little composure I've kept up to this moment. Andrew is giving the monologue for our entrance when I reach for his hand. I squeeze it and he turns his head to me. I smile slightly but I know my eyes are showing him how scared I am. He leans his head over and whispers into my ear,  
"We can run if you want."  
I laugh and squeeze his hand a little tighter. I whisper back,  
"If you would have told me that twenty minutes ago I would have said lead the way."  
As I pull my face away I let go of his hand and Andrew says,  
"Will you please give a warm welcome to Deacon Claybourne and The Queen of Country Ms. Rayna Jaymes."  
I walk out on stage with Deacon following behind me. I'm waving out at everyone as I make my way to the mic.  
"Wow! Thank you New Orleans!"  
The crowd gets louder.  
"Yeahhh! Deacon and I are honored to get the opportunity to start our tour off here with you! Aren't we Deacon?"  
"Hell yeah! No place like it, aint that right guys."  
Pete on drums hits the drums and the crowd yells again.  
"Well how about we get this night started with a little changin' ground."

 _Rayna:  
I have stood on the changing ground  
I have walked like a man in chains  
I tried hard to do my best  
But could not make my way  
_  
Both of them:  
 _Oh trouble was on my tail  
And he followed my like a hound  
Til I moved the one step on to glory  
And off of that changing ground _  
_Changing ground  
Changing ground  
Changing ground  
I have moved one step on to glory  
and off of that changing ground_

Rayna: _  
what once was sooner  
Now is passed  
First one in, now is last  
The hero then  
is now the traitor  
what one is still  
now is fast  
I have stood on the changing ground  
I have walked like a man in chains_

Both of them: _  
I tried hard to do my best  
But could not make my way  
Because trouble was on my tail  
And he followed like a hound  
Til I moved one step on to glory  
And off of that changing ground  
I have moved one step on to glory _

Rayna: _  
And off of that changing ground_

We were about half way through the set when I decided to do something a little different.  
"How are y'all doin tonight?"  
"Good!"  
"Do you like it so far?"  
"YESSSSSS"  
"I don't know Ray, that didn't sound to convincing."  
They laugh.  
"Well he doesn't think y'all are having any fun."  
They laugh again.  
"So since this is a smaller venue and we are all friend here. I'm going to do something a little different."  
I reach over and take a drink of water.  
"So in our set list that the amazingly talent Deacon Claybourne prepared. Can we give him a hand."  
The crowd claps and I can hear a vast increase in the high pitched screams of the girls in the crowd.  
"Well in this lovely set list it says that right now I am suppose to sing The River Between Us but..."  
I look over at Deacon and smile.  
"Deacon and I wrote a new song a few weeks ago and I want play it for y'all and see what you think."  
The crowd exploded with applause and cheers and flashes from phones.  
"Well I guess y'all like that idea."  
I walk over to the mic stand and place my mic back in it. I turn to face Deacon and he is facing me. As he turns to start the band I say,  
"This one is called Every Little Thing."

Rayna:  
 _The scent that you left on my pillow  
The sound of your heart beat with mine  
The look in your eyes like a window  
The taste of your kiss soaked in wine_

Both of them:  
 _Every little thing  
I remember every little thing  
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting of every little thing_

Deacon:  
 _I guess you forgot what you told me  
Because you left my heart on the floor  
Baby your ghost still haunts me  
But I don't want to sleep with her no more_

Both of them:  
 _Every little thing  
I remember every little thing  
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting of every little thing  
Every little thing_

 _I remember every little thing  
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting of every little thing  
_  
Rayna:  
 _They say time is the only healer_

Deacon:  
 _God I hope that isn't right  
Cause right now I'd die  
To not remember every little thing_

Both of them:  
 _I remember every little thing  
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting of every little thing  
I remember every little thing_

Rayna:  
 _I'm haunted by the memory of_

Both of them:  
 _Every little thing  
I remember every little thing  
The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting of every little thing_

After we finished it was like a cloud of quiet. It was the just the two of us, looking at one another, eye to eye not moving. It had been a couple of seconds before I realized the quiet was all in my head. In reality the crowd sounded just as loud is not louder than a crowd at a stadium show. I pulled my mouth away from the mic and yelled at him,  
"I think they liked it."

The show had been good from the beginning but after we played Every Little Thing, the crowd shifted. It was like they came alive and stayed at that level until we ended with No One Will Ever Love You. The energy in that room just radiated off of the walls. I hadn't felt that kind of happiness from a show in years. Maybe this tour was a good idea. Maybe the Rayna Jaymes I was so afraid of losing was what was holding me back. Maybe it's time to let go of The Queen of Country and the hits and the big productions and just get back to the Ray that makes people feel the music she is singing.


	7. Chapter 7

These days Ray rarely drank, especially in front of me, but it's clear she's nervous about tonight. Her eyes are what gives her away. She's gotten very good at putting up a front for everyone over the years, mostly due to me but her eyes they've just never been able to lie. I'm talking to Candace but I'm watching her lips wrap around the rim of the glass and her eyes close as she finishes off the whiskey. Candace is an attractive girl, and she's obviously flirting with me but I see no one but Ray in any room. Even when she's anxious and trying to mask her fears with a drink, she's all I see. She settled into the flight once we took off. I don't know if it was the drinks or if she distracted herself with all the details but eventually the worry left her eyes and I saw a little bit of relief. That is until we hit the ground. We exited the plane and I held her hand helping her off and she was cold and slightly shaking. I wish she would just talk to me. I know we haven't talked since that night at the park, but right now all I want to do is hold her and tell her everything is going to be fine. But I don't, because I know deep down it would only make things worse.

She switched on her Queen of Country persona once we started rehearsal. It has always amazed me how quickly she can transition into the professional musician filled with poise that everyone respects and expects to see when they see her. It wasn't until she grabbed my hand right before our entrance that she showed me the fear again. I wanted her to stop focusing on all negatives these songs hold for her and remember that we are different now. This tour can be something different for us. I just wanted to make her laugh.

 _"We can run if you want."  
And there it was, the smile that reaches her eyes.  
"If you would have told me that twenty minutes ago I would have said lead the way."_

She pulled her face away and let go of my hand and it left me with a hallow feeling. I knew this tour was going to be hard on her, but I didn't expect this level of pain. I never meant to cause her any of that pain, and I sure as hell never wanted to make her relive it all. She walked out to the stage and I followed, praying to God to help me through. Not for me but for her.

The set list was working out the way I had planned. The crowed was upbeat and singing along to every single one of our old hits. It was strange to see so many faces singing our songs. These songs haven't been heard by more than a handful of people from my Bluebird set in a decade and a half. But even after all that time every face I saw was singing every single one of the lyrics. Honestly, we weren't even needed, we could have just held the microphone up to all of them and just listened. Half way through when Ray was talking to audience and taking a drink of water I saw something switch in her. It was a subtle change that no one else probably noticed but it was there and then she said something that left me stunned. Almost as stunned as that night in my truck when she said, " _Tell me not to go."_

 _"Well in this lovely set list it says that right now I am suppose to sing The River Between Us but…"  
She looked over at me and smiled.  
"Deacon and I wrote a new song a few weeks ago and I want to play it for y'all and see what you think."_

I started the band and from the moment I turned my eyes back to her I went into to autopilot. The whole song I looked nowhere else but into her eyes. The first time we performed this song together, that day at rehearsal I was so nervous. I had no idea what she was going to think. I knew writing this song changed things for us but then I showed it to the band and create an arrangement with them. I didn't know if she was going to be mad but I also didn't know if she was going to like what we turned it into. But this time, up on stage with her I was pouring every ounce of my soul into that song. I wanted her to feel everything I felt that night I had that dream. The pleading of just wanting to remember her smell, and how it feels to hold her and to kiss her. The agonistic happiness that comes with remember everything… every little thing that comes with being hers. The torture that follows every memory because I know I will never have any of it every again.

After that song, everyone in the room shifted. I never expected the crowd to have such a strong reaction to a song the first time hearing it but they did. Fan gratification was never something I strived for but when people resonate with your song so positively and so quickly it is a feeling that is indescribable. I was happy, truly happy for the first time in year. I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. In that moment I got to express to Ray, how I've felt for so many years and I got to do it through music, the only thing I've ever been half way decent at. Tonight changed me.

After the show we walked off and there was Bucky.  
"You guys, that was… that was great!"  
"Thanks Buck."  
"Deacon you should have told me y'all were going to do the new song. We could have released press around it creating some kind of talk about the new single."  
"Well Buck I didn't know. That was all Ray."

I bumped into her with my shoulder and grinned.  
"Yeah. Sorry Buck I had no idea I was going to do that."  
"Well I'm glad you did. I'm going to go change but I'll see y'all at the after party."  
"Ok Deacon. See you in a bit."

Bucky ushered Rayna away as she was opening her mouth to say something. I turned and headed to the hotel room to get out of these clothes. I knew tonight was going to be a long night of talking to god knows who since it was the first night of the tour. Normally Ray handles most of this stuff and I can sneak out after about an hour but I doubt I will be that lucky this time around.

I went up to my room and jumped in for a quick shower. I took my time getting ready, I really dreaded this kind of thing but I couldn't leave Rayna to answer all of the questions we both know are coming. I put on a black button up shirt with some black pants and headed out. I was able to sneak in and head to the bar to get a water without getting attacked. The bartender gave me my water, I turned around and there she was. She was standing in a circle of people listening to some man talk. I guess she could sense I was there because she looked up at me and mouthed "hi". I smiled and was about to mouth hi back to her but a woman come up to me. She walked up and I recognized her instantly but before I could stop her she kissed me. It was slow and gentle and I didn't push her away mostly because it happened before I had a chance to stop her. She pulled her lips from mine and looked me up and down before saying,

"You look good."  
"So do you Carmen."  
"I'm doing good. I'm looking forward to that in depth interview."  
"Ahhh if you want an interview I am definitely not the person you should be talking to. She's over there standing in the middle of that sea of people."  
"Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you are who I should be talking to now."

I laugh and take a sip of my water.  
She pulled out her recorder and notepad.

"Seriously you'll get a much better story out of her than me."  
"I think I'll take my chances."  
I put my hands in my pocket and try to get a look at Ray but she is still talking to whoever that guys was.  
"So how's it feel to be back up there beside the Great Rayna Jaymes."  
"I never left her side."  
"Oh you know what I mean. Up there singing the songs back when you first started out."  
"I'm her bandleader. I'll play whatever songs she wants me to."  
"You aren't going to make this easy are you."

She smiles at me.

"Can I ask you something?"  
"You're gonna."  
"Why didn't you ever just settle down and get fat and happy."  
I chuckle a little. "Is this part of the interview."  
"No, we both know you were never going to give me anything real."  
"Oh ok. Well I don't know, you know? I guess I just never found the right one."

I looked past Carmen straight to Rayna. I could tell she was avoiding looking at me by the way she was fidgeting.

"At the right time."  
I pulled my eyes back to Carmen and just nodded.  
Bucky yelled from across the room "Hey Deacon, can you come over here?"  
I nod.  
"And that's my cue."  
"It was good to see you Deacon."  
She pulls me in for a hug and as I pull away she grabs my hand and writes her number down.  
"I'll see you later."

She finishes and turns away and I head over to Bucky.  
"Hey so I've been talking to Marshall and Rayna and everyone agrees we should release the song as a single and in a few weeks put together a music video. How do you feel about that?"  
"Yeah sure. Whatever Rayna wants to do."  
"What do I want to do?"  
"I was just asking Deacon if he was ok with releasing the song as a single and shooting a music video in a few weeks maybe a month."  
"Oh."  
Someone yelled for Bucky and that left Ray and I alone. Rayna pulled her drink up to her lips looking at me with a mischievous grin and said,  
"So how's Carmen?"  
I laugh.  
"I'm sorry you had to see that. I had no idea she was going to just walk up and kiss me."  
"You don't have to apologize to me. You're single, you can go around and kiss whoever you want."  
I just nod my head.  
"Look Ray, after all of this is done can we talk?"  
She takes another sip not giving me an answer.  
"Please?"  
"Yeah. We can talk."

We were pulled away from each other and I didn't see her for the rest of the night. I left and went back up to my room. I laid down on my bed and started drifting off to sleep when I hear my phone go off. It was a text from Ray, "Talk?" I was about to text yes when she sent another message "P1". I grabbed my room key and headed upstairs. I reached her door, let out a deep breath and knocked. She opened the door in a cream over sized sweater and some jeans. Her face was makeup free but her hair was still in her big curls.

"Hey."  
"Hey."  
She stepped aside and I entered into her room. I walked into the suite living room and sat down on the couch.  
"This is nice."  
"It's way more room than I need but yeah it's nice."  
She took a seat on the other end of the couch and pulled her legs up to her chest.  
"We were never good at the whole having conversations we needed to have."  
She laughed and pushed her hair out of her face.  
"No, we really weren't. But this time I need to be the one to start this conversation. There's a lot I need to tell you."  
I looked at her a little confused. What did she mean. She was sitting in front of me trying to organize what she wanted to say in her mind. Every deep conversation we've ever had starts with that look. She scrunches her nose a little and battle with herself on where to start.

"I guess I'll start with saying I'm sorry. I know these last three weeks you tried to talk to me about everything, I just…I had a lot going on and I wasn't ready to talk to you."  
"I understand that Ray. Leaving the girls has never been easy for you. I knew you would come and talk to me when you were ready."  
"I hate leaving them. Especially now that they are older, I feel like I miss so much more."  
"They've gotten so big, and beautiful. Just like their momma."  
"Thank you. Their amazing, I still can't believe their mine. They are the greatest thing I've ever done."

She starts to cry and sets her head down on her knees. Instinctively I scoot closer to her and pull her into my arms. I run my fingers through her hair and lightly kiss the top of her head.

"Ray, please stop crying. You know I hate it when you cry. Those girls know you love them more than anything in this world. They know if you could stay you would, but this is who you are Rayna. Touring is just part of the job."  
She slowly stops crying and lifts her head up.  
"I hope they know that, because what I am about to do to them." Tears slowly fall from her eyes again. "I never wanted to hurt them."  
"What do you mean?"

She stays quiet and pushes closer into my chest.  
"Talk to me."  
"Teddy…Teddy and I are going to file for a divorce after the tour."  
"You're…You're…"  
She pushed up off of me and looked at me.  
"We are filing when I get back. The girls, their lives are about to be turned upside down and I can't do anything about it."

I didn't know what to say so I sat there holding her. She was right, I was never good at having the serious conversations and this was about to be the first real conversation we would have since she married Teddy. I was always there for her, no matter what she needed but for most of that time our relationship didn't need serious. Not because we didn't trust each other but because once she married Teddy and I made the decision to work and honor my sobriety serious wasn't a normal thing anymore. Our relationship transitioned, and after all the hell I put us through I was grateful.

"I've always felt safe in your arms. Even after everything, if I needed you I knew you would hold me and make everything else just fade away."  
"You're my family Ray, I would never leave your side."  
She squeezed me a little tighter and then slowly sat back up. She wiped her face with her sleeve and repositioned herself.  
"I need you to know, uhm I need you to know that that night at the park, that has nothing to do with this."  
"Kinda feels like I have something to do with this."  
"This divorce, it's been coming for a few years. I can't sit here and tell you that you have not been an issue in my marriage but I can 100% tell you you are not the reason I am ending my marriage. Deacon, I… I love my girls with everything inside of me, and they are the reason I tried so hard to save my relationship. But I'm tired. I'm tired of having the same fights over and over again. I'm tired of just not being happy. Tonight on stage, that was the happiest I have been in I don't even know how long. I love Teddy and I will always have a love for him because he is the father of my girls but I can't stay in this marriage anymore. We both deserve to be happy, we tried but it's just not enough anymore."  
"I never meant to make any part of your relationship to Teddy difficult. I just couldn't let you go. You were my life for such a long time, I couldn't imagine a day let alone an entire lifetime without you being a part of it."  
"I know. I didn't want that either. I couldn't let you go, I needed you to be a part of my life too. It was my decision to continue our relationship, and I don't regret it. You have always been important to me and you always will be."  
"If your girls got even an ounce of your strength they are going to be fine. And for the days that they aren't, they'll have you to lean on. And if any of you need a little extra I can be there too."  
"Thanks Deacon."  
"Forever and Always Ray, you know that."

I stood up after I said that and started walking towards the door. I wanted to stay, I wanted to just hold her until she fell asleep in my arms but what I want isn't important right now. She followed me to the door and showed me out. I left and didn't turn back because if I saw her tear stained face one more time there was no way anyone was going to get me to leave her. I heard her shut her door once I reached the elevator. I went back down to my room and collapsed onto my bed. It had been a long day and before I realized it I was sound asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**This chapter is from Rayna's perspective.**

After my talk with Deacon, it felt like I got my best friend back. For the next three weeks, we reconnected and our relationship became what it was like in the beginning. We performed almost every other night in a new city, which wasn't as exhausting as I had anticipated. Maybe it was the simplicity or maybe it was the fact that I no longer wear 5 inch heels every night. Either way, each night I feel excited to perform. After the show, we both go to the after parties and after the first few nights we got into a routine. We realized after the first night splitting up and talking to everyone separately was not a good idea. Separately it was like vultures attack and nothing is off limits. But together people tend to show a little more respect for our privacy and if they don't we use each other to escape. So, we show up together and we leave together. Some nights Deacon will walk me to my door, we'll say goodnight and I'll pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow. On other nights, we'll stay up and talk. We haven't written anything else, but I've enjoyed our conversations. They are never anything serious or important but they are still meaningful. More times than not I'm going on and on about Maddie or Daphne and he just sits there listening.

We recorded and released Every Little Thing as a single while in Portland Oregon. The response to the song was incredible and it quickly became a permanent part of our set list. It has been years since I recorded and released a song I wrote. The positive feedback gave me reassurances in a way, that this tour was the right move for me. Getting back to who I am is what I've needed and it's been a liberating feeling. Slowly every night I gain a piece of myself back that I wasn't even aware that I had lost.

We are on our way to Texas, where we are staying for 3 day. I am sitting on the bus couch reading a book. Deacon is on the other end strumming his guitar and the rest of the guys are gathered at the table playing cards. My phone vibrates beside me and it's Teddy. Panic overwhelms me because we haven't spoken since he dropped me off. I get up from the couch and head towards the back bedroom shutting the door behind me.

"Hello."  
"Teddy is everything ok? Are the girls ok?"  
"Yes, the girls are fine. Sorry I didn't mean to worry you."  
I let out a sigh of relief.  
"Ok good. So, what's going on?"  
"I'm calling to see what you think of the girls coming to visit you in Texas. They're really missing you and haven't stopped asking me when they can go and visit you since you left."  
"I would love nothing more! I miss them so much, but are you sure about them flying by themselves?"  
"I don't see any other option. I have work I need to do so I can't come. And this weekend is the only time in your schedule you are in the same place for an extended amount of time until you hit California."  
"It's sad you know my schedule better than I do."  
"The girls know it better than both of us."  
"Well, I'm not going to say no to seeing them. I'll tell Bucky to figure out flight information and let you know."  
"Alright. Sounds good."  
"Ok. I'll talk to you later."  
"Ok."

I walked out and sat back down.  
"Everything ok?"  
"Yeah! Great actually. The girls are coming to see me while we are in Texas."  
"Really?  
"Yeah!"  
"That's awesome Ray!"  
"I'm really excited. I want to take them around Austin, and Dallas in between shows. Spend some time with them. Get to talk to them for longer than our 20-minute Facetime calls. But I'm also really looking forward to hearing what they think of the show. They've never seen me perform like this."  
"They worship and look up to you, they are going to love it."  
"I hope so. They can be some tough critics."  
"No one can be as tough as Watty."  
"True!"  
"So what are we going to do with them during our time off?"

I never expected to have an emotional reaction to a little two letter word, but I did. Such a simple word but I got a warm sense of joy when I heard him say we. He said it with such ease as if he said it regularly. He has always been their Uncle Deacon and he treats them as more than just my kids. He is my family and any time I need him he is there, and it brings me comfort to be reminded that the girls will always have him too.

With a smile I said, "We'll come up with a plan, but first on my list is shopping."  
He groaned.  
"It's Dallas! We have to go shopping!"  
"Fine! But if you are making me go shopping, I'm picking the lunch spot, and I know just the place!"  
"Care to share?"  
"You'll like it, I promise."

Two days later we picked the girls up from the airport. They came running up to me and almost knocked me over. If Deacon hadn't been standing behind me and placed his arm on my back for support we definitely would have collapsed. But I didn't care, I was so happy to see them. I kissed them all over and refused to let them go.

"Mommmmm I can't breathe."  
"Yeah Ray, quit hogging them! Uncle Deacon needs his hugs too!"  
"Fine. Fine. Fine."

I let go of them and they went over to Deacon. He didn't suffocate them like I did but he pulled both of them in for a tight hug and kissed the tops of their heads.

"Y'all are getting so big, and so gorgeous. Just like your momma."  
"I've grown 2 inches in the last 6 months. I'm going to pass Maddie soon."  
"You wish."  
"Well, I think we decided we were going to take y'alls bag back to the hotel room and then grab something to eat before you wear me out carrying all y'alls shopping bags."  
"Sounds good but I think you should take these," they pass their bags to him "and practice for later."  
"Madison Miranda Conrad!"  
"What?"  
"Deacon is not your Schaeffer. He is not here to carry your bags."  
"No worries Ray I got em."

Deacon grabs their bags one by one and maneuvers them so that he can carry them all at once.

"Maddie, Daphne, y'all are definitely your mother's daughters! You're here for three days and have packed more than I have for the whole tour."  
The girls and I laughed. I grabbed both of their hands as we made our way to the car.

We went back to the hotel, the girls changed clothes, and we met Deacon downstairs in the lobby. We got into the car and the girls proceeded to fill us in on school as we drove. Daphne is a chatter box and just went on and on and on. I have no idea how that girl can talk so fast and with very few breaths. It was maybe 20 minutes later and we pulled into a gas station.

"Ok we are here?"  
The three of us looked out the window, and then back at Deacon.  
"We're what?"  
"We're here. Come on."  
"Uncle Deacon why are we at a gas station?"  
We got out of the car and followed Deacon inside.  
"Well Daphne first we are going to get our drinks from inside and then y'all are going to go and sit down at one of those tables. While I go to get our food from that window over there."  
He pointed at a sign that read Fuel Tacos.  
"Tacos… from a gas station?!"  
"From the best taco place ever! Trust me, just go get your drinks."

The girls and I got our drinks, and sat at the table waiting for Deacon. I could tell Maddie was not thrilled about eating from a gas stations but Daphne was eager. She is always up for trying new things and having a positive outlook on them. It was quite inspiring to witness. I hope that never goes away, it's part of what makes her who she is. Deacon came back with two plastic bags and the biggest smile on his face. You would think he was five years old again on Christmas morning. He walked over to us setting the bags down in front of us. The girls and I exchanged nervous looks.

"Ok girls, you each get 4 tacos, so each of you take a box."

He passed them out and sat down beside me.

"So you're going to take the lime and squirt it all over all four tacos, like this. Then add hot sauce, if you want. I honestly think they are amazing without it."  
He took a bite and grease and lime juice ran down his hand into the box. We all laughed as he fumbled to get a napkin.

"Oops."

The girls were still laughing because it kept flowing out of the taco and all over him making a huge mess, but he didn't care. He just kept shoving more and more of this taco into his mouth. The tacos were actually extremely good, but I think watching him struggle was the best part. The girls finished theirs, but I had one left so he ate that one too. Once he was done I reached over for the rest of the napkins and tried to help him clean up.

"Deacon Claybourne I can't take you anywhere."

I pour a little bit of my water on to the napkins and reach over to grab his hands. As I cleaned them up I though back to when I first met Deacon. His hands were callused beyond anything I had ever seen. They were so cracked and dry that the rough edges would constantly tug at guitar strings. I laughed to myself as I wiped away the grease and then ran my fingers over his still rough but smooth and tamed callouses. His fingers would also persistently get finger cramps from not warming up and just rushing to play. Without knowing it I started to do the hand massage I use to do whenever they became so stiff he couldn't move them. Massaging his hands eventually became something I did without thinking. We'd be anywhere sitting and I would reach over and gently take his hands in mine.

"Oh sorry."

"It's ok. You haven't done that in a long time."

I looked up first noticing his eyes. His eyes are the first thing I notice anytime I look at him. His eyes are the key to who he is. They tell you everything about him. I moved my eyes down to his lips and see he has crumbs around his mouth. I brought my hand up and slowly wiped them away. I hovered longer than I should have placing my hand lightly on his cheek. I couldn't help but become immersed by him. All I wanted to do was kiss him. It is like we are two magnets being pulled closer and closer to one another fighting every electrical charge to come together.

"Mom!"  
"What. yeah?"  
"Can we go shopping now?"  
"Oh, sorry. Yeah let's go."

After eating, the girls got a second wind of energy. We got into the mall downtown and they took off. I thought they would take it easy on Deacon, but no such luck. Maddie took control, dictating which stores we went to first. She looked slowly at first but she saw a few shirts that caught her eye she escalated quickly. Before I knew it she had a week and halves worth of clothes ready to take to the dressing room. All of us went to the dressing rooms as she modeled each outfit. She twirls and looked at all angles judging whether she likes what she has on. Daphne and I sat on the couch and as I am watching her, I admired the young woman standing in front of me. When did that happen? It feels like it was just the other day I was picking dresses and bows for her to wear. Now she's all grown and with a mind full of her own opinions.

"I like that one Maddie. You look beautiful."  
"Thanks Uncle Deacon, but mom what do you think?"  
"I think Deacon is right, you look beautiful."

By the time, we made it all the way around we were exhausted and barely standing. But I enjoyed every minute of seeing them both happy and carefree. The day was bittersweet for me because I know in a few month they won't be happy, they'll be heart broken. They'll be losing the only family life they have ever known. My biggest fear is after we tell them, they'll hate me. That they'll blame me for ruining our family. That they'll think I choose my career over them and love it more than I love them. I don't want to lose the relationship I have with them. I want them to come to me when they are scared or hurt but with this I feel like they are going to push me away. From the moment I found out I was having girl I prepared myself to lose them a little bit when they got to high school. I've been ready for the not wanting to spent time with me, choosing their friends over me, sneaking out for a party and lying about it. I've been ready for all of it, but I am not ready for this it's too soon. I was suppose to get a few more years of them wanting me around, saying I love yous, and them letting me suffocate them with a hug. They are never going to be this young and innocent again.

On the car ride home both Maddie and Daphne were out in five minutes. Daphne was resting her head on Deacon's left shoulder while Maddie was resting on mine. Deacon had his head leaned back on the seat with his eyes closed. I looked at him with admiration. He spent the whole day walking up and down stairs, carrying multiple bags, and he didn't complain once. He smiled and did whatever they asked of him. We hit a bump and his eyes fluttered open. I smiled at him, he smiled back. I mouthed, "Thank you." He looked at me, then at Maddie, and then at Daphne but didn't say anything. He didn't have to, I saw the look in his eyes. These girls have him wrapped around their fingers.

The next day we enjoyed room service and movies in my hotel room until the show. Once the night approached the girls went with Bucky while Deacon and I went to sound check. They came back just before we took the stage.

"Mom!"  
"My girls! Did you have fun with Bucky?"  
"Yeah, he took us to a pizza place. We wanted to get back. We didn't want to miss your show."  
"Well you made it just in time."

On stage, I feel like I am who I was born to be. I sing and feel every emotion of every face as I look out into the audience. I forgot what that feels like with the big productions and theatrics. Singing songs with meaning and to people who value real country music, is what I love to do. I don't ever want to lose sight of that again. I looked over periodically throughout the show to see Maddie and Daphne. They were swaying to the music and would smile and wave each time I turned to them. Having them there made the night almost perfect.

Normally we ended each show with No One Will Ever Love You but tonight I wanted to sing something for the two greatest joys of my life.

"Dallas, y'all have been amazing! I always enjoy playing here, it feels like a second home."  
The crowd erupted with screams.  
"This whole tour has been something I never expected. I've learned a lot about who I am, what I want, dreams I never knew I had. It's been uhm it's been a journey."  
I started to tear up so I pulled the microphone away for a second. The audience screamed anyways.  
"Well, what makes tonight so special is my girls are here with me. And this last song is for them."

 _Rayna:_

 _Turn the lights off  
_ _Go to bed  
_ _Tell me all the about the day you had  
_ _Lay beside me  
_ _It's time to rest  
_ _You can close your eyes  
_ _You've done your best_

 _Let me be your sanctuary  
_ _Let me be your safe place to fall  
_ _I can take away your worries  
_ _The refuge from it all  
_ _All this time we have together  
_ _Is our shelter from the rain  
_ _I will share the weight you carry  
_ _Let me be your sanctuary_

 _We have weathered  
_ _Through the storms  
_ _Taking comfort in each other's arms  
_ _When the dark clouds  
_ _Come again  
_ _I will lift you up and take you in_

 _Let me be your sanctuary  
_ _Let me be your safe place to fall  
_ _I can take away your worries  
_ _The refuge from it all  
_ _All this time that we have together  
_ _Is our shelter form the rain  
_ _I will share the weight you carry_

 _And will be your sanctuary_

 _I will share this weight you carry_

 _Let me be your sanctuary_


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey y'all! So this chapter is going to jump back and forth between Deacon and Rayna's perspectives. I hope it doesn't get too confusing and y'all don't totally hate it. This chapter is just so important I didn't think it was right or fair to only get one perspective. I hope y'all enjoy!**

 **Rayna's perspective.**

For three days I had everything I had ever wanted. My family to spend time with during the day, performing at night, and after I didn't have to go back to a big empty hotel room alone. Having them around makes me a happier person because I no longer feel like I am choosing between two different version of myself. When I'm touring, I have a lot of free time so Maddie and Daphne are all I think about. I'll watch the clock waiting for them to get out of school so that I can Facetime them. But when I'm home and get to be a full time mom again, music is all I can think about. It's a constant pull and I can only do each role half way, which isn't fair to anyone especially the girls. Having them here, I don't have to sacrifice one for the other. Watching them leave, that give and take feeling instantly returns. I wave goodbye to them with tears in my eyes trying to stop them from falling. Breaking down in front of them would do no one any good, they had to go back and I had to stay. Once the plane took off I felt Deacon's hands on my back. I sunk into him as if he were my only lifeline. I turned around wrapping my arms tightly around his neck barring my face into his chest. I cried softly and he held me close. He brushed his fingers through my hair whispering, "It's ok" over and over again. I slowly worked my hands down to embrace them around his waist. My breathing slowed but I didn't let go. I wanted to stay wrapped up in his arms, I felt safe. I love hearing his heart beat, it's a rhythm that soothes me. I use to fall asleep to that sound every night.

"Ray, we gotta get going."  
"You're right. We should."

I pulled away wiping my tears from my cheeks. As I wiped he moved closer, he placed both of his hands on both sides of my face. My eyes were closed at first. I reveled in the warmth and comfort his touch brings. Just as I was about to open them I felt his lips on my forehead. It was slow and gentle but quick. After I opened my eyes, he grabbed my hand. We walked back to the car to head back to the hotel.

 **Deacon's perspective.**

The day the girls left, it tore at Rayna. She's a different kind of happy when they are around, and when they leave, those first few days she's a different kind of sad. It's like she's missing a part of her, but there is nothing I can do but be there if she needs me. I hold her if she'll let me but mostly I am just there sitting beside her, or I'm making sure she remembers to eat. I think she likes having me around to remind her she's not alone, which I don't mind.

We were sitting on the bus on our way to Atlanta Georgia when she got a phone call. I figured it was Bucky since she stayed sitting beside me, unlike when Teddy calls. It was quick but she looked off after she hung up.

"Was that Bucky?"  
"Yeah."  
"What did he want?"

"He wants to know if we had talked about what we wanted to do for the video."  
"Oh, I guess we should talk about that then."  
"Yeah, I don't know. How do you feel about it?"

"Honestly?"  
"Of course."  
"Normally I leave the whole music video thing up to you. You know I've never cared too much for them."  
"But…?"  
"But… this song is different. This song, I poured every piece of me into. It's a part of me and I want to do the same with the video."  
"This song means a lot to me too Deacon."  
"I know it does. I just, I guess what I'm saying is I want to do this video together. From beginning to end, I want to be a part of everything. I don't want to leave it all up to you, for you to handle alone."

"Ok."  
"Ok?"  
"Yeah. Ok. So you got any ideas?"

The rest of the drive we spent throwing ideas back and forth. Ray wanted to put a story into the video. Girl meets boy, it's good in the beginning, then it goes bad, and ends with her walking away. While the story plays out it flashes to scenes of us singing in the background. It was a good idea but I wanted this video to be a first. This song was the first song we wrote together since we broke up that was more. It held a deeper meaning and I wanted the video to do the same. I feel like we owe it to ourselves, and to the fans to give this song something more than a basic rushed together video just to boost attention.

"Look Ray it's a good idea, but…"  
"You hate it."  
I laughed. "No I don't hate it."  
"You've never lied to me before Deacon Claybourne. Why start now?"  
"I don't hate it! I promise. I just wonder what you would think about doing something a little simpler. Something a little more true to the words."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I have this idea that takes the lyrics for what they are. We could set the storyline up with a house. You're dressed in a casual big sweater. Kinda like that grey one you wear on the bus in the winter when it's colder. Your hair is up in one of those lazy Sunday buns, and you're wearing barely any make up. And you are just walking through this house and with each room there is are flashbacks of memories between you and some guy."  
"Wait, so I'm an actual character in the story, we aren't going to hire actors and have us just singing the song?"  
"Why not? This is our song, who's going to feel the lyrics and turn them into a narrative more than you?  
"I don't know Deacon, I haven't done something like that in a really long time."  
"You also haven't written a song like this in a really long time."

She got quiet. When she's nervous or doesn't know what to say she does this thing with her hair. She run her fingers through it pushing it back. It's one of my weaknesses, she looks so beautiful when she shows her vulnerability. It never lasts for more than a few seconds, but it's one of the many things she does that takes my breath away. She's the strongest person I have ever known, and she's been that way from the day I met her. Her strength is remarkable and anyone who knows who Ray really is knows her strength is more than just a characteristic, it's the essence of who she is as a human being. And her strength only magnifies with time. It started with the lose of the one person who raised her, and knew her from the moment she was brought into this world, her mom. And it grew after everything I put her through. She became stronger than I could have ever imagined, and sure as hell stronger than I ever can be.

"It was just an idea, we don't have to do it."  
"Can I think about it?"  
"Of course. Ray, I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing you to do something you aren't comfortable with. It was just a thought."

 **Rayna's perspective.**

As he was telling me his idea, I could see it. I could see this little house. Decorated subtly and filled with warm colors. The atmosphere of a true loving home with pictures of happy candid moments. It's clean and organized but filled with little imperfections like a pair of shoes by the door or a blanket laying on the couch. Little things that showed people lived and loved in the space. I could see me dressed in that grey sweater, looking comfortable in my own home. I could see every little detail, and it would be a beautiful understanding of the song. It would take the lyrics and play them out verse by verse leaving nothing open to interpretation. I loved it, but there was just one problem. As I closed my eyes picturing the story, the house I saw was the lake house, and the man I saw was Deacon. The flashbacks washed over me as if I was reliving them. Those weekends we would spend at our house, naked for the majority of the time making love over every inch of every room. Us staying up late in our bedroom cuddled up to one another writing music. I saw our fights, yelling back and forth across the kitchen island, and him throwing anything he could get his hands on. I saw everything, and it scared me. Was I ready to share such private intimate moments I shared with him, with the world? Was he?

I avoided talking to Deacon about the video for weeks. I needed some time to think. I knew this tour, that song was going to bring up a lot of old emotions but I didn't expect to be affected so strongly. I wanted this song to mark a new beginning for us, but coping with the pain each memory brought took little pieces of me each time. Despite the fear I had over what this video could mean for us I realized that this truly was our song, and if we were going to make a video it needs to be honest. Being honest meant that there was no one else to play the male character. It had to be Deacon. We wrote this song together but it came from his dream, and he was the one to push me to open up, to express something I avoided for so long.

Once I made my decision I struggled with the nerve to talk to Deacon about it. Once I told him, there was no going back. But it was late one night after our show. We had spent maybe an hour at the after party but we were both not in the mood to socialize so he walked me to my room and I couldn't avoid it any longer. As we said goodnight he was turning to leave but I reached out and grabbed his arm.

"Wait Deacon uhm can you come in for a second?"  
"Yeah. What's wrong Ray?" he pushed past me and walked to the couch. He ran his hands over his face letting out a deep groan. I sat down on the other end pulling my legs up under me.  
"Nothing, uhm I just wanted to talk to you about the video."  
"Oh, ok. What about it?"  
"We wrote this song, with the idea of two people grieving a relationship. Their history deep and filled with so much water under their bridge. Their lives so entangled that anything could spark a memory even something as simple as smell. Something so small it shouldn't hold a drastic affect but it would be overwhelming and intoxicating. It causes so much pain to remember but what hurts even more is walking away from it."

He nods his head and mumbled an mhmmm.  
"So, if you want me to be in the video, I want you to be in it with me. I think you're right. I don't think anyone else is going to get everything we poured into these lyrics. This is our song, and we have to do this together. We'll split the video into two separate view points. You on one end of the house, me on the other. And we come together at the end while we are repeating the chorus."

He sat there listening to me intently but I couldn't read him. Did he hate it? Did he think we were going too far? Maybe we were, I don't know. Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. I started to panic a little when he sat so quietly. Quiet is not a word I would use to describe Deacon in any way, but here he was…silent. I could hear my heart beat increase and my breathing pick up, that's how quiet he was being.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"  
"Do you?"  
"Ray, I love the idea. I just…I don't know, we've never done anything like this since you broke up with me. Are you sure you want to do this?"  
"This video could help this song reach so many more people. I want people to love our song as much as we do and connect with it. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and of course I have some reservations and it makes me nervous but in spite of all of that I want to do this. However, I will 100% understand if you don't think you can do this."  
"When have I ever been able to say no to you?"

We talked for a little while longer, but Deacon started to yawn so I walked him to the door and we said goodnight. After I closed the door I walked into the bedroom and began my night routine. I took a quick shower, washed my face, threw my hair into a ponytail and put on shorts and a tank top. Finally, I laid down in the bed sinking down into the mattress I pulled the comforter up to my chin. Only time would tell if we were making the right decision, and with that thought I drifted off to sleep.

 _I was laying on my left side wrapped up in the sheets of a bed. One hand propping my head up and the other was playing with his facial hair as he started to talk.  
"Do you know how much I've missed this?"  
"A lot."  
He chuckles and I move my hand from his facial hair to the base of his neck, pulling at his hair.  
"Yeah."  
I smile up at him.  
"A lot."  
I pull him over to me and he kisses me with this strong desire. He pulls himself on top of me, his hands wondering down the sides of my legs as I lace my fingers into his hair pulling him further down to me. We're kissing and his tongue fights for control over mine. I can feel his hand start to wonder down in between my legs._

I wake up panting and craving to be touched. That dream was so vivid and real, my lips felt swollen from how passionate he was kissing me. I closed my eyes trying to will the dream back. I ran my fingers over my lips, moved them slowly down my neck and my breathing started to pick up. My back arched up out of instinct as I continued to massaged up and down my body imagining Deacon hovering over me kissing every inch of my exposed skin. I grabbed my breast and started needing my nipples and I let out a little moan. My left hand stayed needing and pulling but my right wondered further down, in between my legs. I ran my finger up and down my opening prolonging the pleasure a little longer. Once my clit was burning to be touched I started doing figure eights, over and over and over again. Until I found my release and came crashing down from my orgasm. Every nerve in my body was tingling leaving me breathless.

 **Deacon's Perspective.**

I left Ray's room that night with a mixture of feelings. This tour was changing a lot of things between us but I never in million years would have thought she would want to do something like this with me. I am trying to not question her decision but after having these boundaries for 15 years it's hard to not question her wanting to cross a few. Up until now I've had to think through every little move I did when it came to her. Is it too late to text her? Am I hugging her for too long? Does she know I'm watching her from the other side of the room? Does she know every song I write is still about her? But things are changing, and suddenly thinking everything through doesn't seem like the right thing to do anymore.

California was next on the tour. Bucky set aside a week from our tour for us to film the video in Los Angeles. I became more and more nervous as the days approached. I am not an actor, I'm a musician. Even though I have every intention of bringing all of the tortured desperate emotion this video needs I might not be able to. Aside from being anxious about my acting abilities, all of the feelings I have been able to suppress for so long, are becoming harder to control. On the first day of the shoot I was ball of anxiety. I went to two meetings the day before, I tried distracting myself with writing but nothing was able to calm me down. And when she walked through the front door of the staged house, she didn't help me at all. She was gorgeous and charismatic, walking in without a care. They had her in an oversized cream knit sweater with some tight skinny jeans that made her legs look like they never stopped. Her hair had some big curls but it was all pushed to one side showing off her neck and collar bone. She didn't have all the extra extravagant make up on either. It was simple and natural looking and it made her blue eyes stand out. God, she was breathtaking.

"Hey."  
"Hey, you ready for this?"  
"As ready as I'll ever be I guess."  
She smiled and placed her hand on my shoulder. Just as her fingers landed the director came up to us.  
"Alright Deacon and Rayna I want to focus on the flashback scenes first. So are y'all ready? We'll be starting in the living room."  
"Can you give us a minute?"  
"Of course Ms. Jaymes."  
He walked away talking to someone about the set up.  
"Deacon, I…"  
"I know. We'll know if one of us needs uhm…needs a break."

We sat down on the couch, on opposite ends like we always are. Leaving enough distance to avoid accidently brushing up against one another. She's nervous, I can feel the tension radiating between us like a hot furnace. The last time we got intimate on a couch that I can remember was right after my fourth stint in rehab. I was three weeks sober, and a little on edge. I knew she hadn't found the brand new bottles of whiskey I had stashed in the spare bedroom behind the bed post. I should have told her the moment I got home, but I didn't. Anyways, I was tempted and antsy but it was too late to go to a meeting, plus it was a long drive. She came out of the shower and found me pacing the living room in a circle. She sat down on the couch and motioned me to join her. She sat down and I rested my head on her lap. She massaged my head, running her fingers in and out pulling ever so slightly every once in a while and just started talking. I couldn't tell you what she was telling me but she got me to calm down. I stopped focusing on those bottles and turned my attention to her. I saw how tired she was from her eyes, but she still took my breath away. Could we do this?

"Ok so I want you to get a little closer. Maybe Deacon you could move closer to Rayna so that her back is still resting against the couch arm. And Ms. Jaymes could we have you drape your legs over Deacon's lap."  
I looked at her before I moved and she gave me a slight nod and lifted her legs. She set them down and I had to resist every fiber of my being to not run my hands up and down them.  
"Perfect. Ok I know this is going to sound a little weird. But we are going to leave, all of us except you two. If we want to this to come off as genuine and pure moment we need to be just that. So it's a cloudy day outside and you decide to stay in. So you're sitting on the couch talking enjoying the alone time with one another."  
"You're going to leave?"  
"Yes. Look I know a little about the history of you too and everyone here can see how uncomfortable both of you are with this situation. But you're artist and want to make this video the greatest thing you've done so far. I respect that, but in order to do that we are going to have to do things a little different."  
"Ok. And you'll just come back to record something."  
"Leave that part to me. We'll create the vision both of you want, you just have to trust me."  
"I think we can do that, right Ray?"  
"Yeah, we can do that."

The crew filled out and we tried talking but it felt forced. I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands, and I was hesitant to look up focusing solely on the carpet placed in the center of the room. It was nice, in the shape of a circle with different shades of beige and a light blue. I focused on that rug to stop my mind but quickly that began to drive me even crazier. I needed to do something to make us both relax. Talking is something we are good at and do every day, this should not be this hard. I scanned the room and found just what we needed.

"There's a record player over there."  
I tapped her legs and she lifted them so that I could get up and out from under them.  
"Maybe they'll have something good."  
The shelf had rows of records but one stood out to me. I opened up the sleeve and put it on.  
"Dance with me?"  
"Wow, Deacon Claybourne asking me to dance. I thought this day would never come."  
"Very funny. Just get over here."  
She reached out her hand and grabbed it pulling her up from the couch. She laced her hand with mine and set her other on my shoulder. I moved mine to the bottom of her waist pulling her close to my body.  
"You've always had a soft spot for Conway Twitty."  
"Yeah. I always said that if I could be even an ounce as good of an artist as him, I'd done something right with my life."  
She set her head on my shoulder sliding her hand slightly down the length of my arm.  
"You're more than an ounce as good as Conway. Deacon you're an unbelievable musician. You sell yourself short."

We swayed back and forth for the entire album. It was only 11 songs. We talked a little in between and a few times I spun her around. Her hair whipped and I caught that familiar smell. She was using that lavender shampoo again. When Hello Darlin' started I mouthed it out, " _Hello Darlin, it's nice to see you. It's been a long time you're just as lovely as you, use to be_." making her laugh so hard she started to pull away from me but I pulled her right back. On the last note, " _I'll be waitin for you."_ I looked into her eyes and slowly dipped her. I wanted to tell her I love you, like Conway does to Loretta Lynn during a few live performances, but I didn't. Ever fiber of my being was fighting saying just say it, say it right now, or the moment… the moment will pass you by. And that's exactly what happened, the moment passed me by.

 **Rayna's Perspective.**

We wrote music, we didn't dance to it. Never in the 11 years I was with him did we ever dance. But this, this was nice. Deacon had rhythm and following him came naturally. Sitting on the couch was awkward to say the least but dancing with him, while one of his favorite artists played felt natural. I relaxed instantly, and dancing to a vinyl record was fun. I found myself genuinely having a good time, smiling and laughing. This Deacon reminded me of the Deacon I fell in love. Carefree, simple only needing the music to be happy, well the music and…me.

After we danced, we sat back down on the couch close but not a close as we were when the director positioned us. I was on the couch with my legs stretched out and he was on the floor. His head positioned in the middle of my waist turned in my direction. Once we settled we fell into our routine. I talked, he mostly listened throwing in a few sentiments every once in a while. I asked him if he had written since our night at the park and that got him into a whole spiel. He told me about the songs he found time to finish, the songs since and everything in between. Aside from watching him perform, watching his enthusiasm as he talks about music makes me melt.

The day ended with me filming the present tense of this scene. The idea was for me to walk in the house through the foyer, and I look to my left into the living room. At first it is a sad depressing scene of empty wine bottles, wine glasses, and a pillow with a blanket on the long couch. The throw pillows are tossed to the other side of the room and empty containers of Chinese food were open on the coffee table in center. I blink and open my eyes to see a flashback of Deacon and I, a mash up of our time together earlier. I had to reset, and reshoot for hours, the song on loop repeatedly at a very high volume. Filming a video is redundant and loud, that is the one thing that isn't different. Deacon stayed the whole time sitting in a chair behind the director. I was surprised he hadn't left, they didn't need him for any of the rest of the scenes for today but he chose to stay. I could tell he was exhausted, hell after this day I was exhausted physically and mentally. When the director released us for the day the relief showed on both of our faces.

Day two of the shoot was setting shooting. Every angle of the house was filmed constantly outside and inside. We weren't needed until later on in the evening. Which I found myself grateful for because I wanted to sleep and I wanted a little time to myself. Yesterday was good, it wasn't too far, but it still took its toll on me. I was anticipating it, I knew it would happen. With Deacon it has always been complicated and it probably always would be. We are complicated individuals and when you bring two complicated and flawed human beings together it creates chaos. However, through this song I'm realizing that this chaos that once terrified me, I now want to accept and take it for what it is. It's a part of us, and we can't change it.

Since it was so late after they finished the setting shoots, we were only needed for one scene, the stairs. We were walking up separately but meeting in the master bedroom. Shooting the stairs took both of us longer than we thought. We had to walk without looking at the ground. We had to stop every once in a while to look at the pictures on the wall leading up to the second level. One take my hand was on the rail the next it wasn't. I'd never heard cut and reset so much in my professional career. It became annoying quickly, and my legs started to cramp after the 6th take. We started switching between ever third take to prevent us from looking exhausted and winded. Each time we passed Deacon said something to make me laugh which made the night a little more bearable.

We got a day off to give everyone on the crew a breather. This video was demanding and grueling on everyone involved, it was long days because we had so little time to shoot everything we needed. Plus it wasn't like we have the ability to come back to Los Angeles once we leave if we something isn't done right. But the day we came back to set, we picked up as if we were in fast forward. Today we were shooting Deacon's beginning scene. He was starting off in the opposite side of the house, in the kitchen. But, they decided to film his present day scene first so I was behind the scenes watching. He is starting at the sink with dishes spread out on the counter air drying as if he had just washed them. They start by filming him wiping his hands with a wash cloth and transition to him with his arms stretching out along the length of the counter as he looks out of the window longingly. Even though we got a days worth of rest, he looked drained. It helped with the scene but I couldn't help but question what was wrong?

After they got enough footage we went straight into the flashback scene. The director had pulled Deacon aside and was talking to him privately. As I approached they changed the subject.

"Alright Rayna, for this part we are going to have you and Deacon eating at the table and once you're finished you do the dishes. He rinses, you dry kind of thing. Are you good with that?"  
"Yeah sounds simple enough, what about you Deacon, are you ok with that?"  
"Yes! Do we actually get to eat the food?"  
"If you want to, it's some kind of pasta from the restaurant down the road."

I laughed, of course food is the thing he is think about. They had the plates arranged and all I had to do was bring them from the island to the table and sit down. Sounds simple but even that took a handful of takes. Once I got to sit down Deacon attacked the food making me laugh. He is never not hunger, I have no idea where any of it goes. I felt normal, sitting enjoying a meal with him. Sure, there are give or take 30 people watching as we sit at this table and our song blaring in the background but it wasn't awkward like the first day. I think it was because we weren't forcing anything. We weren't doing something out of our comfort zone, we were doing something we do on a daily basis. Sitting and eating in our respected spaces, we got to be ourselves.

Once we finished we transitioned to the sink. I went to fill the sink with warm water and start washing but Deacon grabbed the soap from my hand.

"I'll wash, I don't mind."  
"You sure? I'm no stranger to dishes."  
"Yeah I'm sure."

I moved aside and waited for him to hand me the cleaned cookware. I was focusing on not getting water on my sweater or in my hair. The crew had done such an amazing job making sure I look the same for every scene, the least I could do was to preserve the look for the day. We'd been at the scene for a while, long enough for my hands to prune so I could only imagine what Deacon 's looked like under all that soap and water. Randomly Deacon pushed his hip into mine. I looked at him with my mouth open and pushed him back a little harder. He laughed and I thought that would be the end of it, but I was wrong. He took his hand out of the water and splashed my face.

"DEACON!"

I swatted him with my towel,  
"Ow! Ray, that's not fair!"  
"Not fair! You got my face wet! All I did was hit you with a..."

Before I could finish my sentence, he pulled the faucet hose sprayer and sprayed me with water. I screamed and tried to block the water with my towel but it did nothing. I walked closer trying to grab the hose from him. But he grabbed my hand as I reached and started spraying the top of my head. I couldn't even be mad at him, I started laughing begging him to stop. The hose was far from reach so I thought of a counter attack, I started tickling him. He dropped the hose instantaneously and I ran as quickly as I could. I ran to the far side of the dining room table and he stopped on the other.

"Ray, you never won at this game, and that isn't going to change now."

"There's always a first for everything."

He glared at me trying to anticipate my next mood. I glared back mimicking everything he did but in the opposite direction. We used to do this every time I tickled him, he hates being tickled. He says it's not manly for a guy to be ticklish, but I've always found it endearing. When I do it he laughs unlike any laugh anyone else gets to hear. Sometimes he laughs so hard his eyes start to water and his sides cramp up. Once he was laughing too hard to move I ran away and we would play cat and mouse until he caught me. He always caught me, but that was because I wanted him too.

"Cut!"

I looked over to the director.

"That was great Deacon! You too Rayna! Perfect really, I think that's a wrap for today."

 **Deacon's Perspective.**

Shooting my part of the video started out rough. Mostly because I related with this character. He's sad and missing the person he loves, standing in a space they once shared. I could relate to that. I could draw from my own experiences and my own emotions and put it into this part. But once I got to do my scenes with Ray, I was fine. I got to forget how complicated our lives became and just spend the day with her. When the director said cut, we both realized we got caught up in the moment. We forgot for a second that we weren't alone and that this wasn't 15 years ago. I went home with an empty feeling wanting nothing but to go up to her room and talk to her, but I knew tomorrow was going to be a long and hard day for both of us so I stayed in my room.

I woke up and the stark reality of what today would bring hit me like a bad hangover. We were filming the bedroom scenes. I got dressed and headed earlier than usual. I wanted to talk to Rayna before we started. Just to check in and make sure she was ok, but that didn't happen. We walked in at the same time after hair and make up did their things and we got thrown into the room. It was decorated with a rustic feel. The bed was a huge California king with long wood posts and the headboard to match. The comforter was a light grey and cream throw pillows were placed neatly on top. The door to the bathroom was a barn door that slide open, which I liked a lot. It looked nothing like any of the bedrooms I had ever been in, but it definitely looked like one Ray and I could have shared.

"Alright, so for the first part of today I want to film both of you walking in and looking at the bed. Deacon you from the end, and Rayna maybe have you walk along the side running your hand over it."

I looked over at Ray, who nodded in response so I nodded too.

"Ok, great! But I want you to remember, you're both in the room but you don't see each other. It's like two ghost passing in the night. You're unaware of each other."

The scene had a melancholy feeling to it. The atmosphere was silent until they played the music, and we started to sing together. We didn't look at one another, only at the bed, at the room, down quite frequently. It was hard to ignore her presence, to avoid running in to her but acting heartbroken wasn't. Being heartbroken is something I am all but familiar with. Staring at a bed I once shared with her is something I've done more times than I'd like to admit. After an hour or so we got to take a break for lunch. Rayna ran off and I got stopped by some crew member. When I managed to escape I saw her leaving. I ran to catch up with her, I tapped her on the arm and said,

"Hey, where you going?"  
"Oh hey, I was going to go to the little café down the street. Get a coffee and maybe a sandwich."  
"That sounds good. Mind if I join?"  
"No not at all."

We ordered and sat down at a table.

"Ray, about yesterday, I'm sorry about the water."  
"Don't, don't apologize. It was funny, and I'm sure it came off great for the video."  
"If we even use it."  
"I don't see why we wouldn't."

The waitress brought us our food and we ate in silence, until I was finished.

"You ready to do this?"  
"No, but when have I ever let that stop me."  
"Never."  
"I think we need to go back and dive into the scene, respect each other, and remember that this is our job. I trust you Deacon. I trust you more than anyone else in this world. I'm ready to do this, if you are."  
"Ok then, let's do this."

Rayna went to get a touch up but I headed into the room. I sat in my grey t shirt and jeans positioned on the bed. I sat as the make up artist came to me and Rayna came back in. She went to the director and within a few minutes he yelled action. The bed comforter was turned down, it looked like someone had jumped and rolled around on it. I laid on the bed with my back up against the head board. Rayna, she crawled into the bed slowly, seductively up to me. She had changed. She was in these tight short jean shorts and a thin grey low cut v neck sweater. When she got to me, her face floated slightly above me. Her hair falling down slightly over my face. She turned her body to rest it up against mine. My arm draped around her shoulder. She propped her legs up. I placed my right hand on the outside of them, running them up and down her soft skin. As I did that, she watched. Her eyes following my hand go down to her knee and circle back up to where her jean shorts stop and back again. After awhile, she turned to look at my other hand. It was entangled in hers. She pulled her fingers out of the hold and started running them up and down my palm in sync with mine on her leg.

Leaving that day, hurt more than anything in a long time. It hurt almost as much as the day she told me she was leaving me, marrying Teddy, and that she was pregnant. That day felt like she stabbed me with a knife and with each revelation she stabbed it further into my body. That was how leaving felt. We ended the scene and left without saying much of anything. I walked her to her room, said goodnight and went down to mine. As I opened the door, the emptiness of my life overwhelmed me and I turned around. I rode the elevator back to her floor and knocked.

"Deacon? Are you ok?"  
"No, no I'm not."  
"Do you want to come in?"  
"No I need… I need to say something. Ray, Ray I've loved you since I was 19 years old. I loved you the moment you walked into the Bluebird. And after all these years, standing here in front of you, it's still true. I'm in love with you, I love you so god damn much. And I know your life is complicated and is only going to blow up even more when this tour ends. But I want to be there for you in every way possible and I know I can if you let me. You're my best friend and our friendship will be the foundation of our new chapter. I want this Ray, it's you and me and Maddie and Daphne."

She kissed me, tears falling down, and pulled me into her room.

 **I'm sorry I didn't expect for this chapter to be this long.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Rayna's Perspective.**

I laid on my left side entangled in the sheets. Entangled in him. His arms were wrapped around me, his legs in between mine and his toes curled up into my calves. I didn't want to move but the clock on the night stand read 7:00 a.m. and I knew I needed to. I lifted his arm slowly gently setting them down behind me and wiggled my way out of the bed. I'm tiptoeing to the bathroom hoping not to wake him. He never sleeps and I want him to enjoy what little sleep he was currently getting. I turn on the shower and wait for it to get warm. I step in and as the water runs down my body I run my hands over every inch of my skin. Every inch bringing back a memory of every touch from last night.

 _He is standing in front of me pouring his heart out and the minute he said he wanted to be a family with Maddie and Daphne I just reacted. I kissed him, I pulled him inside and slammed the door behind him. I ran my hands under his shirt and pinned him up against the wall. My hips pressing up against his, and his hands grasping my ass. I kissed him up his neck to his ear biting and whispered,_

 _"Pick me up."  
"Fuckkkkk."_

 _He lifted and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He threw me onto the edge of the bed but he stayed standing at the edge in between my legs. I propped myself up on my elbows and watched him. He went for his belt first. Slowly unbuckling, then sliding it through each loop until it fell to the ground. His shoes were next, he kicked off each boot and sock. Then, goddddd… then he lifted his shirt off over his head. With ease and the perfect speed to tease his fit chest making me shiver all over. He tossed it to the other side of the room and his pants followed. Unbuttoned, unzipped, he stepped out and there he was standing in front of me in only his boxers. He pulled me down the bed by my legs closer to him and dropped his mouth to my stomach. Pushing my shirt up licking just where my jeans start, and my back arched. He unbuttoned them and slowly kissed my exposed skin as he pulled them down. I tossed my shirt off as he threw my pants to the ground. I laid stretched out in only my black lace bra and matching underwear. He crawled back up to my lips, kissing me with a forceful passion grinding and pressing his hips into mine which were mimicked his rhythm._

We went three rounds, three long hot rounds before we passed out. Well I'm assuming he did, I know I did. I'm sore, everywhere. The shower felt refreshing and I wanted to savor the steam but we needed to be on set to finish up the video in less than an hour. I threw my hair into a bun and put on some jeans and a flannel. I opened the door and he was still knocked out in the bed. I walked over sitting down beside him and ran my hand through his hair bending down to kiss his hairline.

"Deacon."  
All I got was a groan and him stretching out turning away from me. I run my hands up his back lightly shaking him.  
"Deacon, you need to get up. We have to get going."  
He managed a head shake no.  
"Come on. I'll go order us some breakfast. You get up and take a shower."  
He turned around and grabbed pulling himself on top of me. He kissed me and his hands started to run down my legs. I wanted to continue, to let him do what we both want him to but I couldn't. I pushed him up off of me separating our lips. His face was covered in disappointment and he dropped his head into my shoulder nuzzling into my neck.  
"Fine."

He got off of me and I got up from the bed and went into the kitchen area. I pulled out the room service menu and ordered us omelets and coffees. I heard the shower turn on so I sat at the barstools and got on my phone to answer emails as I waited. It was here before he was done so I sat and sipped on my coffee. I needed to eat but my stomach is in knots. We need to talk but we have no time before we had to be at work today. I don't regret what happened last night but it happening last night was going to make work today extremely awkward. The only thing left for us to shoot was the fight scenes. We were going to have to yell and act like we are ending a relationship with a devastating goodbye. How were we going to be able to do that after what we did last night? After we crossed every line less than 8 hours ago and I have no idea what any of it means?

These scenes were the part of the video I had been most nervous about from the beginning. Fighting with Deacon never ended but those were mostly about music, creative artistic differences. Towards the end our relationship our fights became volatile and frightening. We knew all there was to know about one another and due to that we knew just what to say to hurt each other in the worst ways. We haven't fought about our relationship since I walked away from him. Walking away from him, marrying someone else while he was in rehab was one of the hardest things I have ever done. He didn't even know about any of it until it was too late. I crushed him, and I never forgave myself for that.

"Morning."  
"Morning." I smiled and sipped my coffee. He sat down on the stool beside me and dug into his food. I watched him eat but I couldn't touch mine. I kept my coffee hovering at my lips as if it were the only thing keeping me alive.  
"Why are you looking at me like that?"  
"I don't know I guess I'm envious."  
"Envious?"  
"Yes envious. You're eating without a care and I'm sitting here with my stomach in knots trying not to puke plus figure out how we are going to get through today."

I got up and walked into the kitchen and poured another cup of coffee. My back is turned to him and I sip my coffee savoring the one thing I can depend on for today. I closed my eyes focusing on breathing and calming my stomach which felt like it was physically doing summer saults. I was so focused I didn't even hear him come up behind me. He spun me around and took my cup from me.

"Hey!"  
"First, you're going to stop drinking this because I think you've had plenty."  
"Debatable."  
"Second, we're just going to do it, the same way we did it yesterday. Trusting each other, scene by scene."

I ran my hands through my hair and brought them to my lips. I wanted to bite my nails but they were too perfect to ruin.

"Deacon, I don't know if I can do this."

He came closer to me and pulled me into a hug. I let him engulf me and I tried to stop panicking. I listened to his heart beating felt his arms running up and down my back.

"Do you trust me Ray?"  
"More than anyone."  
"Then trust me."

He kissed my forehead and grabbed my hand leading me out of the hotel room.

We showed up and I got ushered into hair and makeup. I gave Chrystal and Justine a sympathetic sorry look. I feel awful for making their jobs much more difficult than usual but they jumped right in. It took longer than normal but they managed to make me look perfect. They have me in all black today and my hair is down and more wavy than curly. I walked out of my room and the director grabbed me right away. He went through the plan for the day as the set got put together. He talked and I just nodded.

I'm in front of Deacon with my back to him. We are in the middle of the stairs and he is yelling at me. I'm walking away up the stairs ignoring him but that angers him even more so he grabs my arm and yanks my body to face him. I push his chest causing him to stumble one step down and yell back at him. We're gesturing to one another only getting louder and louder. He grabs a picture from the wall and throws it to the floor. The glass shatters all over and I gasp. I put my head into my hands starting to cry. At first I buried my face because I didn't think I was going to be able to form real tears, but I was wrong. I cleared my hands and real tears started to fall. It was too familiar, we've done this; we've done this so many times and it always ends the same way.

He turns and walks away from me. He's walking to the front door, stopping to grab the keys from the side table. I'm yelling from the staircase begging him not to go. He looks at me as he reaches for the keys but doesn't bat an eye. He turns back around and slams the door behind him. I fall to the ground grasping my legs to my chest. My head rests on my knees and I rock back and forth in a soothing pattern…back and forth.

This was my day. For 6 hours straight, we reshot this scene over and over and over again. The whole time, the chorus _Every little thing. I remember every little thing. The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting. Of every little thing._ Played in the background. In the end as I sat on the stairs I had to sing. In that moment as I repeated the chorus I realized how sad this song truly is. I knew, and I feel it when I perform, but this…this was a new level of pain. We aren't creating this video of nothing. The pictures on these walls are real. They're mine that I've taken over the years. The design of the house was made to fit our tastes. This could be our life, this was our life. We were happy and in love living in a little house together one day. And then the next we fight and destroy everything in it. The worst part, he leaves me crying and scared out of my mind having no idea where he was disappearing to.

What were we doing? I can't do this, I can't be in this type of a relationship with him again. It almost destroyed me the first time. Being pregnant was the only thing that saved me. Maddie saved me. I would have stayed, and been waiting for him in the parking lot the day he got out of his 5th stint of rehab. But I was pregnant, and it wasn't Deacon's so I had to let him go. I had to let us go. And it ended up saving both of our lives. Maybe we missed our chance. Not all love stories are meant to last forever and maybe ours was one of them. Were we really any different now? Could we really hold a healthy stable relationship when toxic and dramatic is all we've ever known?

 **Deacon's Perspective.**

I never thought I would get this moment back. Waking up next to the most beautiful woman in the world after holding her all night. But here I was naked in her bed and she was trying to wake me up. At first I thought it was all a dream but when she ran her hands up my back I knew it wasn't a dream, it was real. I turned around and grabbed her, throwing her to the bed. I didn't want this to end. I wanted to stay in this bed with her all day long. After all these years, I finally have her back and I'm not imagining that lavender scented shampoo. But she pushed me off and as easy as it would have been to convincer I didn't. She was right we needed to get going, plus the sooner we got there the sooner we could come back.

After she left I got up and took a shower. I walked out and my heart almost stopped seeing her on the barstool in a flannel. It wasn't one of mine but I haven't seen her in one in years. I don't know why she stopped wearing them, but one day it just stopped. She's always been the most gorgeous woman in any room but when she wears flannels and t-shirts are my favorite looks.

After I confronted her about staring at me she went into a very fast word ramble and I tried my best to calm her down, but if I was being honest I was nervous about today too. I didn't think about what today was when I came knocking on her door last night. I wasn't thinking at all last night. For the first time I stopped thinking and just followed my heart. She was right, today was going to be difficult but we could do this. It was just one more day. One more day and we can be done and get back to our tour.

I walked her in but we separated to get changed and ready for the shoot. Once it started, we didn't stop. It was a 6 hour straight loop of the same scene. Fighting with Rayna like this was different for me. Sure we fought when I was sober, but our fights never escalated like this unless I had been drinking. I never threw anything at her or otherwise without liquid courage. I couldn't do that sober. I couldn't see her crying in front of me and keep going unless I was numb to it all. For me, this hurt more than any of our fights because I felt what she felts for close to 6 years. How did she do this? How did she stay with me for as long as she did? No one deserves this! I'm not oblivious I knew I hurt her and I've known she had to put up with a lot but to witness it, to relive it from the other side I feel worse than awful. How could she look at me after this? Invite me back into her band…into her life?

We'd been in the scene for a while when I noticed her face change. It was real pain, real tears. She wasn't acting anymore, this was 15 years ago for her. Seeing her genuinely crying ripped my heart in two. I never meant to cause her any of that pain. I never wanted to give her anything but everything she ever wanted. I only ever wanted to make her happy every moment of every day. Make her laugh, help her make all of her dreams come true, and love her a little more each day. But I didn't do any of that. I did the exact opposite of all of it. How could I do this to her? How could I hurt the one person I have loved more than anyone…more than anything?

The scene ended and we left without a word to one another. I left my dressing room and saw her talking to some of the crew. I left because I didn't think she would want to see me tonight. This day broke me down into little bits and pieces, so I can only imagine how she is feeling. This was the first time I lived through a day like this, but for her this was the thousandth time. Today was eye opening and disturbing for me but for her today was déjà vu. She didn't need me to hang around and make whatever she is feeling any worse. The best thing I could do was leave and give her space and time, so that is what I did. I went to a meeting I didn't talk but I sat and listened. Sometimes listening helps more than talking but tonight nothing seemed to help. After the meeting I went back to my hotel room. I took another shower trying to wash this day away and laid down on the bed.

I laid for what seemed like hours but I couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning and my head was spinning in all different directions. I went walking, I needed the fresh air. I walked for hours. Today ended far from where I wanted it to. I woke up happy and planning a future with the woman I didn't deserve a first chance with let alone a 100th. But now, how could any of my plans be a reality? We have so much damn water under our bridge how can we not drown in it? Sometimes I wish we could just start over. We could not have our past and come together now, at this moment in our lives. Start with us now and see what happens. Maybe we have this remarkable life filled with only happy memories and I am not responsible with ever disappointing her. But as I wished away our past a sick nauseating feeling came over me. I didn't want to erase our past. Maybe erasing some of the bad wouldn't be the worst idea but there was so much good that I don't want to share with anyone else. She's my first love, I don't want to share that part of me with some other girl. She taught me more about myself through loving me, she showed me I was worthy of being loved. Our relationship was difficult but the love never wavered. She's also why I am the musician I am. Without music my life would seize to even exist. Without music I would not be alive today.

It was close to 2 in the morning before I found my way back to the hotel. I stepped onto the elevator and road back up to my floor. Hopefully I walked enough to tire my body out enough to pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow. I'm pulling the key out of my back pocket and look up to see Ray sitting outside of my door.

"Hey. Where you been?"  
"I went for a walk…needed some air."  
"Oh."  
"Yeah."  
"Think I could come in?"  
"Yeah, of course."

I pushed the card into the slot and welcomed her in. She sat on the couch and I sat on the other end.

"Deacon…"  
"Can I start?"  
"Oh, sure."  
"I just want…ugh I just want to say I'm sorry. Today, today was the first real glimpse for me of what it was like for you back then. And I'm truly truly sorry Ray. I wish there was something else I could say or do but I, I can't even believe I'm the one that did that to you."  
"I know you are, and I know you didn't. I forgave you a long time ago Deacon."  
"Can I ask you something?"  
"Yes, of course."  
"Uhm I don't know exactly how to uhm _nervous cough_ why'd you, why did you stay for so long? How did you stay for so long?"  
"Because I loved you. I knew the man I fell in love with was still in there and I couldn't abandon him. He needed me and I still loved him. How could I have left you, when I knew that wasn't who you were. "

I started to cry, sincerely cry. It wasn't a few tears falling that I could turn and hide from her, they were a constant flow of tears. She loved me so much and I took her for granted. She stayed through all of that hell because she hoped the man she fell in love with was still in me. She's loved me way more than I deserved back then. She came closer to me and pulled my head into her lap. She massaged my head until I stopped crying. When I stopped, I sat up and pulled her lips to mine. I kissed her slowly, I could taste the salt from our tears.

"Deacon…I…I need to say something now. I need to say what I came here to say and you kissing me is very distracting."  
"Ok, sorry. You're turn."  
"Ok, well today, exposed things for me that I had long sense buried and forgotten. It took me a long time to get closure from us. Our 11 years, were filled with so much love, but they were also consumed with devastating lows. I left you, feeling like the worst version of myself. And today all of it came up like a wave from tsunami and took me drowning with it. I left the set scared…terrified really. I never wanted to feel that devastation ever again. When I moved on with my life I thought that part of my past was over. And all of it had me questioning everything. Questioning this tour, our song, last night…but when I went back to my room and had some time to step away from it I realized something."  
"What's that?"  
"That that version of us, me and you, that isn't who we are anymore. We are different stronger individuals because of our past. I don't want to change any of it, and I don't want it taint what we could have now. We were apart and grew into the people we are today and created a friendship stronger than anything we had before. Deacon Claybourne, I love you. I've loved you from the first time I ever laid eyes on you. The first time I ever heard you play a note on the guitar. The first time I ever heard you laugh. Since I was 16 years old, it's always been you. And I want to continue to love you for the rest of my life."

She kissed me and I kissed her back.  
"I love you too."

I continued to kiss her on the couch. We had an old fashioned high school make out session, only separating a few times to catch our breaths. I grazed my hand over the outside of her flannel along her breast but only for a second. I pecked her lips and pulled away. I ran my hands over her face to whip the tears away. I hate it when she cries. I reached into my back pocket to grab my phone.

"Deacon what are you doing? Texting Carmen to tell her not to come over tonight?"  
He laughed and said, "No."  
"Then what are you doing?"  
"Putting on the song I wrote, for the only woman I have ever loved." I stood up and reached my hand out to her.  
"Dance with me."

 _My broken promises broke your heart  
_ _Time and time again  
_ _I let everything fall apart  
_ _I was such a fool back then  
_ _But you loved me once I know  
_ _So many sorrys ago_

 _So here I am  
_ _And I just pray  
_ _That you will listen long enough  
_ _To hear me when I say  
_ _This brand new man won't let you down  
_ _If you let me show you  
_ _I know how to love you now_

 _There was a time when I held your hand  
_ _I would have died to keep you safe  
_ _That's why it kills me that I'm the man  
_ _That put those tears on your face  
_ _I don't blame you for moving on  
_ _And maybe all of my chances are gone_

 _But here I am and I just pray  
_ _That you will listen long enough  
_ _To hear me when I say  
_ _This brand new man won't let you down  
_ _It you let me show you  
_ _I know how to love you now_

 _I see that look in your eyes  
_ _You're scared  
_ _And I understand why  
_ _So am I_

 _But here I am and I just pray  
_ _That you will listen long enough  
_ _To hear me when I say  
_ _This brand new man won't let you down  
_ _If you let me show you  
_ _I know how to love you now_

 _Girl let me show you  
_ _I know how to love you  
_ _Now…_

"When did you write this?"  
"A few days after the park."

She kissed me and lead me to the bedroom. We made love and I cherished every touch, every kiss, every breath. She's everything, and being here with her again there aren't even words to articulate the happiness I felt holding her in my arms as she drifted off to sleep. I stayed awake watching her. She looked peaceful and for a brief moment I forgot we were older. She looked the way she looked the first night she let me hold her like this. This wasn't going to be easy, nothing with us ever was but none of that matters. I don't need it to be easy or simple, I just need her.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey y'all! I really appreciate everyone who is still reading this story and takes the time to comment! I'm so glad that y'all liked the music video! I really enjoyed writing it! Anyways I just wanted to say thank you. Happy reading.**

I'm lying in my bed listening to the John Conlee version of rose colored glasses on repeat. It's 3 in the morning and my body is physically exhausted but my mind is awake and I can't sleep. It's been 5 weeks since the night I showed up at Deacon's door and told him I was in, all in. Since then we've spent every day and night together. In such a short amount of time I've grown dependent upon him to sleep again. I'm lying alone and wide awake tonight because he had to fly back to Nashville early this morning. Scarlett called him in the middle of the night in a panic. Someone had broken into their house. Scarlett looked around and didn't find anything missing but they had destroyed the living room and kitchen. Glass from the windows shattered all over, and the TV smashed. She sent Deacon pictures and the rooms looked like a disaster. She tried to sound calm over the phone, but you could tell from her voice she was really shaken up so Deacon went to see her.

As I lie awake in my bed listening to one of my favorite songs of all times singing along to the chorus,

 _But these rose-colored glasses  
_ _That I'm looking through  
_ _Show only the beauty  
_ _'Cause they hide all the truth_

I start thinking about this last month. So much has changed for us. We've gotten back into our touring routine. We're performing at night most days out of the week. Our shows are transitioning with time due to our relationship changing. Our chemistry is coming out like it did in the beginning and everyone in the room can see it and they are responding to it. The after parties are intense and we never stay long anymore. When we first announced our tour, there was a lot of media attention around it. But most of it was just questions because no one ever expected us to do this kind of tour again. But after we release our music video, the media amplified very quickly. Our video went viral in minutes with millions of downloads. The final thing was amazing, it told our story and we got to share it in our way. It was beautiful and true and both of us were very proud of it.

Every night after we escape the wondering eyes and whispers of the party he comes back up to my room and we spend time alone together. We've needed this one on one time to rediscover who we are to each other as a couple. The video was our way of therapy and we were able to accept our past and embrace the good and the bad of both of us. Now we are relishing in this time we get to be us with, no kids, no Teddy, and no paparazzi manipulating our relationship into some kind sleazy affair.

Two weeks ago, Deacon took me on our first official date. Since we weren't performing in big stadiums on this tour, our nose bleed section ritual got altered just a little bit. We sit or stand in the back of the event space as far away from the stage as we can get. We were standing there side by side just looking at the stage, both of us silent when he reached for my hand. I squeezed it tightly and turned my head from the stage to him.

"Rayna Jaymes, will you go on a date with me?"  
 _slight chuckle_ "A date? Like a real date?"  
"Yes, a real date. You get dressed up, I pick you up and take you out. And at the end of the evening I walk you back to your door and if I'm lucky you invite me into your room."  
"Deacon Claybourne I would love to go on a date with you."  
He looked to his left and then to his right and bent down to kiss me. It was quick but sweet. We were both smiling when we pulled apart.

 _Two days later we had a day off from performing and traveling so we went out. I was nervous getting ready. Which made me feel ridiculous, I've been on hundreds of dates with him, we've spent every day of this tour together, he's seen me at my worst, there was no reason to be nervous but I was._ _I'm looking at my clothes pile and can't find anything to wear. I have no idea where we were going, he wouldn't tell me so I don't know if I need to dress down and more comfortable or fancy with a lot of make-up. Plus, I also needed to be dressed in somewhat of a disguised so that no one would recognize me. It felt like I was getting dressed blind. He told me to be ready at 7, but it was 7:30 and I was staring at my clothes spread out all over in my bra and panties with my hair still in curlers lost in my sea of madness._

 _I finally settled on a pair of black distressed jeans, my black boots, a dark green blouse with the top covered in black lace. Over it I wore a black leather jacket and a fedora hat to hide my face._ _He showed up just as I was finishing the final touches and we headed out. We were in New York so I imagined we would do a nice dinner and end up walking in the park but Deacon surprised me. He had a whole evening planned, outside of the normal. We started out going to an Escape the Room. We had to work together to get out of some Victorian home. It tested both of our patience and at one point he snapped at me out of frustration. He apologized right after, but I gave him some sass in response. We fought a little but I tried to stay calm and remind myself that it was just a game. We ended up escaping with 1 minute and 42 seconds left to spare. I think if we had been trapped for much longer we would have been at each other's throats. An hour was a good time limit, a happy medium. Once we escaped and took our picture we realized the game was actually a lot of fun. It was unlike anything we'd done before. We even got to stop being adults with responsibilities for a little while and became kids again and play a game._

 _After we escaped, he took me somewhere else and the games continued. He took us to an arcade. We played basketball, he won that one, I've never been good at sports. We raced against each other on Mario Kart, I won that one but only because I hit him with a red shell right before the finish line gaining an advantage. We played ski ball and laser tag and so many others. It was exciting to be competitive and playful with one another. He did an amazing job planning our date night. We laughed for the majority of the night, and we were flirty more than we normally are out in public. He would hold my hand as we walked, and he would kiss me anytime he felt like it. At one point during the night, not caring if people stared, he pulled me by my jean loops up against the air hockey table and we made out for a few minutes. I felt 16 again, just completely and totally mesmerized by him._

I rolled over to grab my iPad because it pinged with a message. Deacon, "I can't sleep without you next to me." I text back "Me neither." It made me feel better knowing he was missing me just as much as I was missing him. He's been gone for less than 24 hours but it feels so much longer. What were we going to do when this tour ends in a few weeks? When I have the girls, he isn't going to be able to stay over. I don't even want him in that room when they aren't there. That was Teddy and I's room, our bed. It doesn't seem right to have him up there with me and just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. And I can't go over and stay with him when they are with Teddy either, because Scarlett lives there too and I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable in her own home. How am I going to get any sleep when we get back to Nashville?

I fell asleep worrying about our return home and woke to a knock at the door. I didn't order room service. Who could that be? I checked the clock, it was 7:30 in the morning! Seriously!?  
"Coming!"  
I got up throwing Deacon's flannel he left for me over my tank top. I didn't look through the peep hole I just opened up the door and gasped at the person standing on the other side.  
"Oh my god! What are you doing here you crazy person!?"  
He walked in dropping his bag and picked me up. He spun me around and kissed me.  
"I missed my girl."  
He set me down and I kept my arms wrapped around his neck.  
"Is that right?"  
"Mhmmm."  
He kissed me again and I walked us back to the bed.

I turned him so that his back was facing the bed and I slowly began to undress him letting the anticipation of our reunion grow. I unbuttoned his flannel and pushed it off his shoulders letting it drop to the floor. He raised his hands and I lifted his grey t shirt over his head. Next I unbuckled his belt pulling it from the loops in one swoop and threw it behind me. I threw and he pulled his boots off with his socks and I started to undress myself, but I started with my pajama shorts. Sliding them down my legs but I left my underwear on for him. As I continued my patience disappeared and I started undressing him faster. I bent down and unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans tugging them down his legs. He stepped out and I pushed my flannel off my shoulders and pulled my tank top over my head. He's down to his boxers and I'm standing before him in my bra and panties. He looks me up and down licking his lips. When his eyes meet mine again I pushed him onto the bed. He fell and I walked over straddling him. I needed him. I needed him now. I kissed him forcefully inserting my tongue into his mouth. He placed his hands on my ass but I pulled them off and held them over his head as I maintained control. I started moving my hips pushing them up and down him. I pulled my lips from his and kissed down his neck, down his abdomen, down to his boxers. I pulled them down with my teeth leaving him exposed in front of me. I came up to him and whispered,

"Flip me."

He flipped me over so that he was now on top. He looked at me waiting for further instructions.

"Pull them off."

He laced his fingers along the sides of my underwear and pulled them down inch by inch kissing my skin until he dropped them to the floor. I could feel his hands moving up, as he came back and hovered over me. I pulled his lips to mine and as I grabbed his hair my hips arched forward. I could feel him playing with my entrance, letting himself lightly touch me trying to tease me. I know he wants me to beg for him to enter but that's not what this moment is about. I'm in control. I want to show him how much I desire him. I pull his head of hair harder and flip us once more. He is under me and I am straddling him. I run his dick up and down my slits, not letting it enter all the way. I am holding it in my hand going up and down increasing the pace ever so slightly. It was hot to see how turned on I was making him. His eyes were closed and he was panting whispering Ray, begging me.

"Open your eyes."

When I saw his gorgeous blue eyes I collapsed on top of him filling him inside me. I rode him hard and fast not easing either of us into the rhythm. Up and down I was pushing faster and faster. I could feel myself climbing and I could tell from his eyes he was close too. I came first and he followed only seconds after. I collapsed on top of him feeling him empty himself into me. I got off of him after a few minutes and we laid in silence. He held me and gently kissed the top of my head brushing my hair aside.

"That's one way to welcome me back."  
"Are you complaining?"  
"Hell no!"  
"That's what I thought."  
I lifted my head up and kissed his lips once more.  
"How's Scarlett?"  
"She's alright. I only left her because Gunnar showed up and it didn't look like he was leaving her side anytime soon."  
"That's good. Probably for the best. It's good you went. But babe what are we going to do? We couldn't even handling being separated from less than 24 hours. What's going to happen when we go home? All of this is going to change."  
"You're right it is going to change but with every change we get closer and closer to being the family we've both wanted for so long. The next part is going to be hard, but what comes after that is going to be better than anything we ever had before."  
"I love you so much Deacon Claybourne."

The last few weeks of the tour flew by and in the blink of an eye we were back in Nashville. We were ending the tour at The Bluebird. The show was 2 days after we got back in town. I told Teddy I would surprise the girls at the house and that they didn't need to pick me up. I wanted to ride with Deacon back to his place first, because I knew I wouldn't see him until the day of our show. So our car dropped him off first, I ran in and said hi to Scarlett and then headed home. But when I got home instead of me surprising them, they surprised me. They had a banner hanging over the entrance, they baked me a cake, and best of all they attacked me with hugs when I walked in the back door.

"My girls!"  
"Mom! I'm so glad you're home."  
"Me too Daphne. I missed you and your sister so much."  
I let them go and Teddy walked up to me.  
"Welcome back Rayna."

I gave him a hug and the girls stood around us and eventually joined in. Once our hugs finished we ate the cake they made and Maddie and Daphne each started talking and didn't stop. They filled me in on every little detail I missed. It was getting late so I tucked both of the girls in alone and sang them to sleep. Normally they hate it when I do that but the first few days after I come home from the tour they indulge me. I shut the door to Maddie's room and turned around to find Teddy standing in the door way.

"Sorry, I just wanted to check on them."  
"It's fine. You can go in if you want."  
"No, I don't want to wake them."  
"Well, you up for a night cap?"  
"Sure."

We went downstairs to the kitchen and he poured us both glasses of whiskey. We sipped slowly neither of us saying anything at first. I stared at my glass wondering where we should start or if we should even start. Our last conversation, we said pretty much everything we needed to. As I was contemplating I heard him say,

"So how was the tour?"  
"It was different. The last time I sang for such small crowd's I was in my twenties. But it was good. How was it here?"  
"The same, just trying to juggle taking the girls to all of their separate things. But besides that I got a job working for your dad, and I ugh I bought a house."  
"You're working with Daddy?! You bought a house?"  
"Yeah, he offered and I needed something for now. But the house it's about 10 minutes from here. It's nice, enough room for the girls."  
"That's good I guess. So we should file soon then, in a different county to keep it out of the media as long as possible. Give the girls as much time as we can."  
"Yeah I figured a few days after your show here, we sit them down and file sometime after that. But I'll be staying at my house at night and coming back here before they wake up. Give you your space."  
"Ok, if that's what you want. So Teddy there is something I need to…"  
"No, you don't. Your video…your video told me everything I needed to know. I'm not going to say I'm happy for you but I trust you as a mom. So I know you'll do right by them and that is all that matters. I'm gonna get going though. Thanks for the drink."

He closed the door and the size of the house washed over me, this big extravagant home I didn't want to begin with was what I was left with. It is huge, and when the girls leave me it will feel even bigger. It has a way of making me feel like a tiny nuisance; I shivered at the thought of being here alone. I brought our glasses to the sink, washed them quickly and went up to my bedroom. I left my suitcases packed in the corner and grabbed a few things from the closet. My room felt cold and foreign, I couldn't sleep in here even if I wanted too. I closed the door and went into one of the guest bedrooms. I text Deacon goodnight and forced myself to sleep.

The few days leading up to the concert were long. Normally the first few weeks feel like months as I try to transition back into their lives. In the beginning, I feel like I'm some place I don't belong. Forgetting things, making them late to places, just stumbling around trying to fit into this puzzle but my piece is the wrong size. Each tour is different and the amount of time it takes for me varies but with this tour I prepared for it to take the longest. Not only was I going to have to find a normal, I was going to have to find a new normal. I am going to have to figure out how to manage everything on my own. Basically, figure out my own system to what Teddy has to do for our daughters when I'm gone. Teddy and I are also going to have to figure out how to co parent together and all of the logistics that were going to come with that, splitting time etc. But above all of that we are going to have to be there for Daphne and Maddie individually. Even though they are close in age, they are going to react differently to the situation. Maddie being who she is will lash out and blame whoever she can. She's going to be angry and not hide it. Daphne, my sweet Daphne is going to be hurt not angry. She's going to cry the hardest and be the most confused. And it's our jobs as their parents to comfort and help them however we can. I won't be able to shield them from their pain but hopefully I'll be able to help them navigate and channel it into something positive.

It was the day of the concert and the girls said they wanted to come, but Teddy made up the excuse of work to get out of coming. I understood, but the girls were disappointed. To make it up to them I said that I would let them perform one song. Their faces light up brighter than Christmas morning. I picked the girls up that day and their excitement was radiating. I had never seen them smile so much in their lives. They got in the car and started talking about the song they chose and the outfits they were going to wear. We were getting ready at the house and driving over early. But since they are my daughters, I knew them picking the perfect outfit would take way longer than it should.

I was ready rather quickly. I kept it casual with a pair of light blue jeans and my turquoise I love you belt, with my brown boots and a simple white blouse. I did my hair curly but kept my make up to a minimal. Once my clothes were on I went down stairs to the music room. I grabbed the Deacon box from its place and pulled out my forever bracelet. I clasped it on my wrist and ran my fingers over the letters.

"MOMMMMMM!"  
I closed the box and dashed upstairs.  
"What? Are you ok? Maddie?! What's wrong?"  
Standing in front of me is this little girl in a t shirt, with a panicked look all across her face. Clothes are thrown everywhere, you would have thought a tornado came and tore this room apart.  
"I have nothing to wear! We should have skipped school and went shopping!"  
"Madison Miranda! I thought something serious happened with you screaming bloody murder like that!"  
"This is an emergency!"  
"No it's not. You have plenty of clothes. I'm sure we can find something."  
"No mom! I've pulled every piece of clothing out of my closet! I have nothing!"

Daphne comes skipping in. She's in a colorful dress and black ankle boots.

"Y'all ready?"

Maddie shoots her sister an evil glare.

"Do I look ready?"  
"Madison! Stop being rude to your sister. I think you should wear a simple dress to coordinate with Daphne a little. Maybe your sleeveless black one with a jean jacket over it and boots."  
"That actually sounds really cute!"  
"I'll pretend like I don't hear the shocked undertone of your voice. Meet us downstairs when you are done."

Thirty minutes later we were out the door and shuffling into the car. We walk in and my eyes instantly find Deacon. I guess the girls did the same thing because they ran off towards him before I could stop them. Chrystal pulled me over to the bar chatting me up but I position myself to look at the three of them. He's talking to this attractive brunette and she is flipping her hair while resting her hand on his shoulder. She is clearly flirting with him, and if I'm being honest I can't blame her. Deacon has always been an attractive man and even now he pulls every girls attention in any room he's in. I felt a little jealous but when he heard the girls scream his name he pushes away from her and it made me smile. He bends down and scoops both of them into a hug. He's hugging them and talking to them and I pull myself from Chrystal and head their direction.

"Sorry, they saw you and took off before I could stop them. We didn't mean to interrupt."  
"No worries! It's never a bad time for a hug from my two favorite girls. I was just filling Andrea in on the set list plan for tonight."

We stood talking to her for a few minutes but I ushered the girls off. Later Deacon joined us and gave me a hug hello. He had this sly grin on his face telling me he knew I was jealous. I hate that grin sometimes. I hate that he makes me jealous. But what I hate most of all is not being able to tell that girl that he's mine.

We started sound check and Deacon was helping Maddie with her guitar. I stood watching from the side in aw as he takes the time to show her a chord transition. I was never good at guitars, even with the greatest guitarist I knew trying to teach me I managed to get worse with each lesson. But Maddie, she takes after my mom. She can hear a song once and pick up the general chords after a few tries. She's like me in some ways, but I see so much of my mom in her. Not necessarily in her appearance, although she has her eyes, but in the way that she feels deeply. It doesn't matter what emotion whether its joy or sadness she expresses it at an intense level. I think because she feels everything so extremely it also correlates to her solidarity. She'll go off on her own, with her guitar and sort through her emotions and translate it through music. It's a beautiful process that I get a front row seat to. As we were wrapping up I turned to them and said,

"Hey girls we got some time to kill, y'all up for learning a song?"  
"Yes!"  
"Ok. Deacon and I will start and y'all jump in the second verse. You'll recognize the lyrics and Maddie you can just mimic Deacon's hands. You'll catch on by the chorus."

I whispered in Deacon's ear and he smiled.

 _Sittin' here tonight  
_ _By the fire light  
_ _It reminds me I already have  
_ _More than I should_

 _I don't need fame  
_ _No one to know my name  
_ _At the end of the day, Lord I pray  
_ _I have a life that's good_

 _Two arms around me  
_ _Heaven to ground me  
_ _And a family that always calls me home_

 _Four wheels to get there  
_ _Enough love to share  
_ _And a sweet sweet sweet song_

 _At the end of the day  
_ _Lord I pray  
_ _I have a life that's good_

 _Sometimes I'm hard on me  
_ _When dreams don't come easy  
_ _I wanna look back and say  
_ _I did all that I could_

 _Yeah at the end of the day  
_ _Lord I pray  
_ _I have a life that's good_

 _Two arms around me  
_ _Heaven to ground me  
_ _And a family that always calls me home_

 _Four wheels to get there  
_ _Enough love to share  
_ _And a sweet sweet sweet song_

 _At the end of the day  
_ _Lord I pray  
_ _I have a life that's good_

 _At the end of the day  
_ _Lord I pray  
_ _I have a life that's good_

The last two chorus repeats I let Maddie and Daphne take because I wanted to close my eyes and remember. I wanted to remember being a young naive girl in love with this boy from Mississippi with not even 20 dollars to his name singing about the family he wanted us to have. We may not have gotten to this moment the way either of us planned but we are here. We have two beautiful and talented girls and I am more in love with this man than I was back then.

"You wrote that song right Uncle Deacon?"  
"I did Maddie, a long long time ago."  
"I've always loved that song, Me and Daphne."  
"Thank you. It's always been one of my favorites. Come here, I want to show you and your sister something."

The girls and I hopped off of our stools and followed him to the wall. I had my arms resting over both of their shoulders when he pointed up to an old picture of the two of us. I blushed because I look so young in that picture and my hair is straight and my natural curly.

"You see this picture here?"  
"Mhmm."  
"This was taken when I was 22 and your mom was 19. I had just written that song maybe a year before this picture was taken. So 23 years ago maybe, God Ray we're old."

We all laughed, and I rolled my eyes at Deacon. We continued to hang out until the start of the show. There were a few opening acts before us, and I had originally wanted Maddie and Daphne to go before us but last minute I changed my mind. I wanted to introduce them to the stage for the first time so that meant they had to go after us. They didn't mind, I honestly think I am more nervous than they are. We sat at a table towards the front together and enjoyed the groups before us. But after all of them were done, Pam Tilly came out and introduced us.

"Now I don't think these two need an introduction but we are going to give them one anyways. They are considered in high regard when it comes to country duets. Like Loretta Lynn and Conway or Dolly and Kenny Rogers these two have a chemistry that will forever link them. Please help me welcome Deacon Claybourne and Rayna Jaymes back up to the stage that started it all."

We walk up hand in hand and I can't help but think she's right, this is the stage that started it all. It not only started our musical careers but every big moment of our lives comes back to this sacred building. This was the place I first laid eyes on him. The first time I ever heard him play, the first time he ever heard me play. The first time we played together, and where we continued to play new songs for the first time. He gave me my first gift, the forever bracelet I was wearing tonight over at the bar. This place holds so many memories of us, it is a piece of us.

We sat side by side singing and I held this gratitude inside of me that made me feel complete. We started with Already Gone and Changing Ground and then went to This Love Ain't Big Enough. After we went into the ballads. I told Deacon I wanted to start with The End of the Day, followed by The River Between Us and No One Will Ever Love You. Ending with Every Little Thing. As we finished I looked around and there was not a dry eye in the house. Everyone was crying and standing while clapping. It felt like with this performance we got to go back in time and remember the good parts of what started here, remember the sacred memories. But as we ended with our most recent hit we started our new chapter in the same exact place we started the first one. It was symbolic and even though our tour was officially over as the claps faded, it wasn't marking the end of anything but the beginning of something more.

"Thank y'all so much. Deacon and I are honored to end our tour here. Most of you know how special this place is to both of our hearts, and we couldn't have imagined doing it anywhere else."  
"Ray's right we are truly honored to be here on this room, with these people. I think I speak for both of us when I say it's truly amazing and humbling that we get to continue to tell our story and make more memories on this stage."  
"Absolutely, and speaking of making new memories. I'm about to do something that might be one of the proudest moments of my life. Which is introduce my daughters Maddie and Daphne Conrad to the stage, for the first time. So please put your hands together and give these gorgeous and talented young ladies a proper Bluebird welcome!"

Deacon and I embraced them as the crowd applauded. We stepped off the stage and stood to the right. I grabbed Deacon's hand and grasped it tightly. They look amazing and it is beyond moving to see them up there.

 _What do you need that you don't have?  
What have you lost and can't get back?  
What if I promised it'll be alright?  
_ _It'll be alright_

 _Cause we got a love  
_ _Oh, we got a candy-apple red  
_ _Sweet, steady as a heart beat  
_ _Love, oh, me and you  
_ _We got a love  
_ _Oh we got the will of a tall pine  
_ _Once in a lifetime love  
_ _Oh, me and you_

He leans his head down to my ear and whispers,  
"Our daughters are amazing."


	12. Chapter 12

Have you ever had a moment so perfect that all you want to do is freeze the picture? You want time to stop, just this once to cherish the scene in front of you. You need time to stop to have enough of it to remember every detail; The clothes worn, the smells, a look… all of it, every single thing. To have the ability to permanently ingrain something so perfect into your memory forever you need to hold the power of that moment. But to hold that kind of power you have to be able to manipulate the one thing none of us have control over…time.

"I hate you! How could you do this to our family?"  
"Maddie…"  
"NO! Just leave! It's what you're good at!" she slams the door and I place my forehead to it. I hear her sobs and it rips at my heart. I'm holding my breath and place my hands over my mouth to muffle the sound of my crying.

Today, was not one of those perfect freeze moments. That memory was five days ago, at the Bluebird. Today, is the day I am calling on that memory to pull me through this moment in my life. To give me a strength unlike anything I've ever had or needed before. I'm trying to remember the pride I felt watching these two talented girls that were mine take a stage so sacred and respected with absolutely no fear. The support Deacon provided me with the gentle touch of his fingers running over the back of my hand. Even the nerves coursing through my veins as I start to share more and more of my personal life with others. But despite every happy emotion that night brought me, it is all failing me right now. The power of that memory fails to outweigh the devastation and shock on both of my daughters' faces when we told them about our divorce.

 _Teddy and I picked the girls up together on Friday after they got out of school. We'd decided we had pushed off telling them long enough and it was time to be honest with them. We made a family dinner, lasagna, salad and French bread nothing fancy just simple and easy. Teddy and I tried to act as normal as possible but we were unsuccessful. Because before we even finished our salads Daphne looked at both of us and asked,_

 _"Mom, Dad what's going on? You've both been acting weird since you picked us up from school today."  
"Yeah, Daphne's right. It's like y'all only talk to us, not to each other?"  
_ _"Girls, don't be ridiculous. We talk to each other."  
_ _"Ok mom whatever, we'll just sit here in this tension filled dining room pretending like everything is fine."  
_ _"Madison don't you dare talk to your mother like that!"  
_ _"Sorry mom."_

 _We sat in a deafening silence after Maddie's bold and not subtle comment. I could hear every single breath any of us took, even the sounds of our forks scrapping our plates moving our lettuce around. I pushed my food around, hoping when I looked up I wouldn't have their eyes looking at me. If I see their eyes, I'll break down right here at this table. I'll fall apart and scare the hell out of them. I gather myself enough to take a peak. Teddy is the only one not looking at his plate so I mouth to him "What do we do?" He shook his head and raised his shoulders, letting me know he was just as unsure of where to go from here as I was. We both wanted one last dinner, one last night we all gathered around our table enjoying the food we prepared together. But it looks like we were going to have to forget the dinner and go straight into the conversation we've dreaded for more than half a year._

 _"Maddie, Daphne will you go into the living room please? Leave your plates." Neither of them question me, getting up and walking to the other room. I grab their plates, as well as Teddy's and take them to the sink. I turn around and Teddy is standing beside his chair, waiting for me to walk with him into the room we never thought we'd get to. They were sandwiched beside each other on the sofa so Teddy and I each took a side. I had Daphne and he had Maddie. I grabbed my daughters' hands and started the words I wish I didn't have to say,_

 _"Maddie, Daphne your father and I love you very much. There isn't a way to explain to you the love parents have for their children. It's a love that is boundless and eternal and stronger than anything else in this world. You two are the greatest things we have ever done with our lives."  
"You'll never truly understand until you are holding your own daughter or hopefully son in your arms for the first time. But we lucked out because we have the two most perfect girls in this world."  
_ _"Yeah right, mom you have shelves full of awards including several Grammys. No way we are the greatest thing you've ever done."  
_ _I couldn't help but laugh at Daphne's statement "No Daphne you and your sister are far greater than any award, even a Grammy."  
_ _"Your mother and I want you to remember what we are telling you now before we say what we are about to say next."  
_ _"We've decided to get a divorce. And it has nothing to do with either of you. Dad and I just aren't happy with each other anymore and as much as we wanted us to work out sometimes wanting something is not enough."_

 _Daphne's face is indescribable. I'm not even sure if she is aware she is crying. It's just streams of tears falling with no sound. She's looking back and forth between Teddy and I like she needs us to breath for her. Like a soccer ball hit her square in the stomach and knocked the air out of her. When she turned back to me, she whispered_

 _"What..."_

 _Maddie has no tears, no shock, no sadness. She appears to be sitting as if she is ticking. Tick…Tick…Tick._

 _"Not enough? Our family wasn't enough for you? We weren't enough for you?"  
"Maddie, you and your sister are everything."  
_ _"Then what are you saying?"  
_ _"What your mom is trying to say is her and I have been trying to make each other happy for a long time. Partly because we love each other very much and want to make us work, but mostly we tried for you and your sister. We never wanted to do this to either of you, separate our family but sometimes life doesn't work out the way you want it to."  
_

 _Tick…Tick…Tick…Tick. She was timing out, she's about to stop ticking and I'm not sure I'm prepared for the explosion._

 _"NO, you're lying. You've been gone on your stupid tour. How is that trying? You are choosing your career over the what did you say, oh right "the greatest things you've ever done." What was that mom, another lie?"  
"MADISON MIRANDA CONRAD!"  
"Dad how can you be yelling at me right now! I'm just saying what we all know is true."  
_ _"No it isn't, and I get that you are upset but just because you are hurt does not mean you get to disrespect your mother like that."  
_ _"How are you defending her! She's divorcing you, and splitting up our family. I didn't do anything to ruin our family."  
_ _"Maddie stop yelling at mom and dad!"_

 __I pulled Daphne into my chest and she continued to sob, I think the shock is now devastation from the change in the sound of her cry. I rocked her back and forth as Maddie hung her head down with her arms resting on her knees and her hands over her mouth shaking her head no._ _

_"Maddie your mom isn't just divorcing me, I'm divorcing her. We're divorcing each other. This wasn't an easy decision, and it wasn't one sided either. We're both to blame for the failing of our marriage."  
_

 _Daphne pushed up off of me and tried to grasp her sisters hand but Maddie yanked it away and stood up in front of us. Daphne's face fell, but Maddie ignored the effect her action had on her sister and continued on._

 _"I don't believe you. Dad you love mom. You always talk about how much she dazzles you and did from the moment you met her. You don't want our family to split up. This is her. She's always abandoning us for some tour, and even when she's home she's consumed with writing or finding new songs for her next album. She's choosing this and forcing you to choose it too."_

 _My biggest fear in life was coming true, and with each word she said a piece of my heart and soul broke off. When she finished, I felt numb and a cold distant separation from my body like I was in my own personal hell. How could she…how have I not…no full thoughts formed only the slow and dragging feeling of my body disintegrating as I sat clutched on to my other daughter._

 _"Maddie stop pleaseeeee. Pleaseeee stop being mean to mom."  
_ _"Me! I'm being mean! Daphne, do you even understand what is happening? Do you get that Dad, is now going to move out? That we are going to live here with her, the person forcing him to leave? We'll get to visit him every other weekend, one day a week if we're lucky. And we don't even get an explanation. WE get an "oh we tried", and a "it's complicated"."_

 _Daphne's fingernails dug into my skin deeper with each word her sister screamed at us. She clung to me, as if she knew I was evaporating and she was trying to pull me back to her. I pulled my eyes from Maddie and down to Daphne. I nudged her off of me, and stood up from the couch. I proceeded to pick her up and carry her to her room. I laid her down onto her bed and snuggled up next to her as she cried herself to sleep. I whispered it's going to be ok and that mommy and daddy love you repeatedly until I knew she wore herself out. I was crying silently as well but as much as it pains me to leave her and have her wake up without me I need to go and have a conversation with her sister. As quietly and as gently as possible I pulled my body off of her bed and tip toed out of the room, slowly closing her door behind me. I heard voices downstairs so I assumed Maddie and Teddy were talking but as I went down the stairs she ran away from him and past me._

 _"Maddie wait!"  
I followed her up the stairs but at her door she turned to me and said, _"I hate you! How could you do this to our family?"  
"Maddie…"  
"NO! Just leave! It's what you're good at!"

As I sunk to the ground Teddy stood at the end of the hallway.  
"We should give her some space, let her cool off. Talk to her again in the morning. She didn't mean the things she said downstairs. She's hurt and confused and well she's Maddie. Reacting to the extreme emotion of the moment."  
"I don't know if that's true. But what I do know is that we should give her space, to think, to process, but it's not what I want to do. I want to go in there and make her talk to me. Make her understand this is the last thing on earth I ever wanted."

I cried into my lap and he stood watching for a while but eventually I heard him leave. He knew I wouldn't go in there. I knew he was right, she needed time. I gathered myself after I heard his car leave the drive way and went into my closet. I sat down against my drawers and pulled my phone out. I needed to hear Deacon's voice. I needed some of that strength he said he would lend me because right now I don't even feel like a person. So, I pushed his name and held the phone up to my ear listening to the rings.

"Hey babe I didn't expect to hear from you this early."  
I didn't say anything.  
"Ray, you there?"  
"mhmmm"  
"Are you ok?"  
"No."

I proceeded to bawl into the phone. I stopped holding it back, and let it all out. I cried so much for so long at one point I couldn't catch my breath. I coughed and choked and snot was seeping out of my nose. He didn't say anything but I could hear him breathing and that was comforting. In fact, it's what made me stop. I started counting his breaths and tried to mimic them to control my own. I calmed down and started sniffling.

"Is there anything I can do Ray?"  
"You're doing it."

He stayed on the phone with me for a while but I let him go when he started to yawn. He didn't want to let me go, he begged to stay on the line with me. But I wasn't going to sleep anytime soon and as sweet as it was that he wanted to stay up with me, he was tired and would fall asleep on me eventually. I changed into an Opry shirt and sweat pants grabbing my journal and pen from my night stand on my way back to the closet. I sat down and scribbled onto a blank page. I wrote down what Maddie said to me. I wrote down what I want to say to her. And as I read them over, exploring how both of us felt, I saw more than words, I saw lyrics.

I must have dosed off after I finished because the next thing I know someone is shaking me awake. I open my eyes to see Daphne hovering over me and Maddie at the closet door entrance leaning up against the frame.

"Mom what are you doing in here?"  
"I guess I fell asleep in here. I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare y'all."  
"What's this?" Daphne picked up my journal and started reading my lyrics.  
"You finished this in one night?" I sit up and yawn shaking my head yes.  
"You want to hear it?"  
"Yes please." We got up from the floor and I kissed the top of her head. I kept my distance from Maddie not wanting to push her. But before we left the room I turned to my oldest and said,  
"You can come too Maddie. If you want." I didn't wait for an answer. I just turned and walked out the door following Daphne down to the music room.

I wrote the lyrics last night, and for the first time in a long time I could hear the melody in my head as I translated the words to paper. I wrote down a scratch score on the back of the lyrics page to remember the rhythm later. As I sat at the piano I started playing with it. It felt strange to start and finish a song all on my own. It's a change but it is absolutely a good one, a welcomed one really. It felt empowering to realize that that girl is still inside of me, and even though my life may be a mess right now I have me. Once I got the tune worked out and it started to sound like my vision I started to play it.

 _You feel like a candle in a hurricane  
_ _Just like a picture with a broken frame  
_ _Alone and helpless  
_ _Like you've lost your fight  
_ _But you'll be all right  
_ _But you'll be all right_

 _'Cause when push  
_ _Comes to shove  
_ _You taste what you're made of  
_ _You might bend  
_ _Til you break  
_ _'Cause it's all you can take  
_ _On your knees  
_ _You look up  
_ _Decide you've had enough  
_ _You get mad  
_ _You get strong  
_ _Wipe your hands  
_ _Shake it off  
_ _Then you stand_

 _Then you stand_

Up to this point in the song I had my head turned to the keys and my eyes closed engaged in the song. But when I said, "Then you stand" I looked to my right and saw both of my daughters. They were sitting side by side on the floor and holding hands swaying to the beat.

 _Life's like a novel  
_ _With the end ripped out  
_ _The edge of a canyon  
_ _With only one way down  
_ _Take what you're given  
_ _Before it's gone_

 _Start holding on  
_ _Keep holding on_

They started harmonizing a hum to go along with the piano.

 _'Cause when push  
_ _Comes to shove  
_ _You taste what you're made of  
_ _You might bend  
_ _Til you break  
_ _'Cause it's all you can take  
_ _On your knees  
_ _You look up  
_ _Decide you've had enough  
_ _You get mad  
_ _You get strong  
_ _Wipe your hands_

 _Shake it off  
_ _Then you stand  
_ _Then you stand_

 _Every time you get up  
_ _And get back in the race  
_ _One more small piece of you  
_ _Starts to fall into place_

They looked at each other and sang the chorus with me this time.

 _'Cause when push  
_ _Comes to shove  
_ _You taste what you're made of  
_ _You might bend  
_ _Til you break  
_ _'Cause it's all you can take  
_ _On your knees  
_ _You look up  
_ _Decide you've had enough  
_ _You get mad  
_ _You get strong  
_ _Wipe your hands  
_ _Shake it off  
_ _Then you stand  
_ _Then you stand_

 _Yeah you stand_

"That was beautiful mom."  
"Thank you, Daphne. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I think I need to play around with it some more later. But for now, do y'all want breakfast?"  
"I do! French toast sounds really good!"

We went into the kitchen and they sat on the barstools as I started the coffee. I poured them orange juice and pulled out fruit to cut. It was quiet as I made our breakfast. I hummed lightly to myself and the girls sat waiting for their French toast on their phones. I text Teddy as I was flipping asking him if he could come over later than we planned. I want some one on one time with them, but I could tell Teddy was angry when his only response was "K". I should care more but I don't. After last night, his feelings are the last thing I am concerned about. Not to sound hateful or malice toward him but Maddie's reaction to the situation is to hate me and I need to talk to her alone.

As I stood at the stove flipping the last piece of bread, I thought about what I need to say to her. The song scratched the surface but there is so much more I want her to understand. I need her to hear me out and I need to know if she meant any of what she said last night, because if she did I have an even bigger problem on my hands. I prepared the plates and sat them in front of both of them. I stood eating from the other side, which is out of character for me but I wanted to be close to them. Daphne finished first and I sent her upstairs to take a shower. She ran upstairs and Maddie sat in her stool on with her phone covering her face. I walked over taking Daphne's seat, which made Maddie tense up a little in her shoulders. I reached for her phone and took it from her hands. She let me, with no attitude but she still wasn't looking at me.

"Maddie, will you look at me please?" she turned her face to me.  
"There are those gorgeous eyes of yours." I reached my hand out brushing her hair out of her face tucking it behind her ear.  
"We need to talk, and all that I ask from you is to not yell and run off and to just be honest. You think you can do that?"  
"Ok."  
"So, what you said last night. Do you really feel that way? That I choose my career over you, over your sister?"  
"No, not entirely… sometimes. I know you love us, but you are gone a lot, you miss a lot. And when you are here you are running in all of these different directions as if you are racing towards something. There's never a moment where you just stop. You're either writing, finding someone to write with, going to listen to artist, performing around town, meeting with Bucky. It's constant chaos!"  
"You're right, my career is one that never stops. I'm always needed to do things but that is with a lot of jobs. But I have always put you and your sister first and above anything I do. When have I ever missed any important event in either of your lives? Never. When have I never not been there when you needed me? Never. Even though my job is hectic, it does allow for flexibility and I take advantage of that luxury every chance I get."  
"I guess."  
"Do you think I am forcing your dad to divorce me?"  
"I don't know. It's hard to believe that this is something he wants. I see how he acts when you are away. I just don't understand how you can say that you tried to fix things with dad when you have been gone for 6 months. You left and you didn't come back to fix anything, you came back and announced you're done. How could you do that?"  
"Maddie...your father and I decided to get a divorce before I left for my tour. We just waited to tell you and your sister because we didn't want to tell y'all and then I leave a few days later. I made a commitment and people were relying on me and canceling the tour was not an option. So, we waited until my tour ended so that your father and I could both be here for our daughters."  
"WAIT, so you both lied. The three weeks before you left we were doing all of those things together as a family, you and dad were lying and pretending like everything was fine!"  
"Maddie, it wasn't lying. The four of us will always be a family, forever and this divorce will not change that."  
"I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to listen anymore. I just want to be alone. This isn't me yelling or running or whatever this is just I don't know wanting space."

She got up and I didn't stop her. It was progress. She listened to what I had to say, didn't have attitude, didn't role her eyes. She's hurt and I can respect that. Teddy showed up not long after that and took the girls out for the day. He said he wanted his own alone time with them and I didn't want to argue with him. If I'm being honest I had no right to even try to argue with him. I asked him the same courtesy and even though he was obviously hostile about it he agreed and didn't show up interrupting and causing a scene.

They left and for the first time in the 15 years I have lived in this house I was completely alone. It's crazy to think after all these years I've never spent a day alone here but it's true. This house holds a huge chunk of my life within these walls. I started my marriage here. It's where I raised my children. Even though it wasn't my design or idea for a home, this place holds a place in my heart. But in this moment, I do not feel the loving home filled with a decade and a half of memories. I feel nothing but emptiness.


	13. Chapter 13

When the media got hold of the news of our divorce I became a prisoner to my own home. Reporters swarmed my gates, clawing at a way to get a picture of me and my family. Getting in and out without hitting one of them became an art all in itself. But the overeager vultures with cameras, they are only one annoyance, the magazine articles are an entirely different problem. They are cruel and absurd, splashing covers with pictures of Deacon and I claiming an affair saying Teddy never saw it coming. However unfortunately, when that headline didn't get a response out of us, they went on to create even more outrageous stories. They manipulated an innocent lunch between Teddy and his assistant saying he was the one who cheated, leaving me heart broken. Every magazine outlet is grasping at straws to dramatize the situation. They are calling all day asking for a comment, or asking for an in-depth all inclusive interview. All because for some reason irreconcilable differences is not a good enough reason and can't possibly be the only motive behind our separation. But the paparazzi and the magazines don't even begin to compare to the social media response. Bucky had to take my phone and deactivate my Instagram and Twitter accounts because my phone was pinging with notifications all day and night. It was driving me crazy, people were getting into full blown arguments with each other on my pages. How can this possibly be all everyone wants to talk about?

Being cut off from everything, staying in my house and leaving for nothing is forcing me to become a hermit with no contact with the outside world. The girls and Teddy are feeling the same way. It's a mixture of feeling violated and attacked because we truly have no privacy during the time we really need it. Kids at school are asking Maddie questions, and whispering as she walks in the halls. Daphne came home in tears one day because some idiot kid said Teddy had another family. But, kids say what they hear which is by far the most shocking thing. Adults, grown ass adults, are crossing lines and prying far beyond anything that is any of their damn business. Teddy had a lady yesterday come up to him at the grocery store and ask him flat out if I cheated on him. Like I get it to an extent, I'm a celebrity and sometimes fans feel like they truly know me, but that does not give them the right to every detail of my life; Or the right to ask questions about my personal life and expect me to answer and then proceed to get offended when I don't.

When I got home from the tour, my only concerns were with how to tell the girls, how they were going to react, how they were going to feel, and how I could help them understand and process all of these changes. No where in my thoughts did it even occur to me to consider the media and the public's reactions, which was a massive mistake. I mean I anticipated a little reaction, but all of this is beyond anything I ever imagined possible. How could the failure of one marriage keep the attention of millions of people for this amount of time? What is worse is it doesn't seem like it is going to slow down any time soon, somehow a reporter slipped the gate this morning and came up the house peeping through the windows trying to get a picture.

"Rayna, this is getting ridiculous! Some guy got up to the house! Thank God, the girls were upstairs in their room but they have no shame! They're literally blocking your drive way entrance making it impossible for any car to get in. You haven't left this house in over a week and a half, and the girls only leave for school and come straight back here. It's not healthy and it's really starting to piss me off."  
"I know, I know you are mad, I'm just as mad as you are, but honestly what do you want me to do?"  
"I don't know, but something's got to change. I can't keep going on like this, none of us can."  
"I want it to end just as bad as you do, but there is nothing I can do until some other story comes along and takes over the news cycle."  
"Well, I'm tired of waiting so I'm taking the girls out of town this weekend. I need air and I know they do too."  
"Air sounds nice."  
"Ok. Well I'll get the girls from school tomorrow and we will leave from there."

At first, I wasn't sure how I felt about Teddy taking the girls out of town for the weekend but ultimately it is his weekend and I have no say over what he does with them. So, I bit my tongue and said nothing. We're all stressed and us arguing would only add to it. Maybe getting away will be good for them, maybe it would be good for all of us. I am beginning to go stir crazy in this house.

That night I helped the girls pack a few bags for their trip with their father. It hurts a little to know that this would be my first weekend without them, and we wouldn't be in the same town. What if something happens and they need me? But, I pushed it away and enjoyed my girls' night with my two favorite girls. Maddie is still keeping me at a distance but she's starting to soften up a little bit. I still get silent treatments and a few sly remarks about things, but they're getting shorter and fewer which is some kind of progress. I've decided to push off having another serious conversation with her, mostly because I want her to come to me. It never ends well if I push her before she is ready, and with me no longer on tour I can wait as long as she needs.

This morning, I drop them off and drive straight back home like I've done every day since the news leaked. But as I shut the door behind me I get annoyed. I'm tired of looking at the same damn walls, doing the same damn thing all day, and waiting for the noisy people outside my house to let me move on with my life. I grab my phone out of my purse and walk upstairs to my bedroom.

"Hi."  
"Hi beautiful."  
"What do you have planned for this weekend?"  
"Well, Scarlett has a show that I might go see tonight but other than that a whole lot of nothing."  
"What if after her show, you meet me at the cabin and we block out the rest of the world for the weekend?"  
"I say I'll see you tonight."

I clean the house up, take a quick shower, and pack a bag for the weekend. It's September so the cabin shouldn't be too cold which means I can pack light… well light compared to my usual. I wait for the decoy SUV's to show up and as they enter the paparazzi goes crazy screaming and cameras flashing at rapid speeds. I pack the SUV I was driving in and as I pull out of my drive way I exhale and freedom pours through my veins. I let out a huge scream, turn the radio up, put my sunglasses down and enjoy my long drive.

The drive to the cabin is gorgeous and serene. It takes about forty-five minutes to get too, which use to seem like such a far drive but right now I'm beyond grateful. I remember the day Deacon drove me out there for the first time. He made me wear a blindfold the entire drive, which wasn't he's greatest idea because I was not a patient person that day. I sat in the passenger seat of his truck jittery and a little scared. Deacon had just gotten out of rehab and he was doing good but being surprised by him was the last thing I wanted, especially that day. It was my first CMA's nomination and I was an anxious ball of stress. But, he took my hand in his and ran his fingers up and down the back of it and asked for me to trust him, so I did. When he took my blindfold off I tried to contain my excitement because I knew he shouldn't have bought something this extravegant straight out of rehab. Even if it was my dream house, and it was perfect in every way. As soon as I opened my eyes and realized what he had done, I could see how I wanted to decorate every single room. I got excited imagining picking out furniture together, and picturing which room we could use as a nursery. I looked out at the water and saw us getting married out there with that view behind us as I vowed to be his wife and him my husband. He wasn't supposed to be making big decisions and I should have been angrier, but I couldn't stop smiling. He did something so romantic and dreamy I fell more in love with him that day.

I pull in and I sit staring at the property. This place holds so many memories for the two of us, mostly good, but more than a handful of bad ones too. Despite the bad, I still get butterflies in my stomach when I am here. I guess because I associate this house as the only house that ever truly felt like home to me. I'd wanted a house on the lake since I was a little girl. Mom use to take us to this property she owned that over looked a huge stretch of beautiful water. Her and Tandy and I would go and sit out on a blanket quite often. We'd sit looking out at the land and the water, dreaming about the future and singing. I loved it out there, so private and peaceful. That land was the inspiration behind this house, this property, this dream of mine. When I told Deacon about it I didn't think much about it. Figured it would always be this set aside idea of mine always saying well maybe one day, but he actually made it come true.

I get out but leave my bags in the car. I want to walk the water for a little bit, and enjoy the beautiful weather. I find myself winding up at Deacon's fishing spot and sit down on the ground to watch the small waves crash into one another. As I watch the water, I feel like my mom's spirit is sitting here with me. As the wind hits my face and pushes my hair off of my shoulders, I feel a peace unlike anything this world is capable of. As if she is telling me everything is going to be ok. I miss her every single day, there is never a day that goes by where something doesn't happen to me that I wish I could call and tell her about. But this wind, this peaceful presence gives me just enough to know she's still here in a way and a part of everything without me having to tell her.

I get up, grab my things from the car and walk to the door. I don't have a key anymore but Deacon has always kept a spare tucked into the window ceil. I grab it and let myself in. He's kept the house decorated mostly the same. The kitchen still open with those two rustic wooden bar stools I found at an antique shop one weekend. The living room has different couches now but the décor is still the same including the forever sign I hung above the door. He left the windows basic with the same plain white curtains that the previous owners had hanging when he bought the place. I love the way that whole front wall of the house is just a line of windows letting in all of this natural lighting during the day.

I walk farther in rolling my bag behind me as I make my way down to the hall of rooms. There are three total bedrooms and two bathrooms. The doors to the rooms are closed so I continued back to our room. I stand at the door inhaling and exhaling slowly. I haven't been in this room since the night he proposed to me. He's probably changed it since then, that was such a long time ago. I grasp the door handle and creek open the door. The bed frame is the same, so are the bed side tables, but the comforter is different. I push my bags to the corner of the room and walk over to his side of the bed running my hand along the frame as I make it to his pillow. I bend down and grasp it close to my chest and inhale, it smells like him. I set it back down and begin to unpack. I grab my shorts and reach for my old dresser drawer. I pull it open and inside are a few of my old t-shirts, well Deacon's t-shirts that I stole and made mine. Sitting on top is one of my favorites, a grey Grand Ole Opry shirt. I pull it out and set it aside and put the rest of my things away.

I change into some jean short shorts and that shirt I found and head to the kitchen. I am starving and I haven't eaten all day. I start poking around the kitchen cabinets to see what he has. There is barely anything, I assume because it's been awhile since he's been up here but I find some spaghetti stuff. So, I start to cook it while I blare the music from my phone and get into my own little world. It didn't take long for me to finish, so I made myself a plate and sat down at the bar and inhaled my food. I am in the middle of devouring my plate when a classic comes on and I can't sit still for it.

 _Let's go girls! Come on._

I grab the wooden spoon from the counter, and use it like a microphone and start singing and dancing to the classic Shania Twain. How can anyone sit still during this song?

 _Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy, forget I'm a lady  
Men's shirts, short skirts_

I sway my hips back and forth, facing the kitchen, and sing at the top of my lungs as if I'm at a stadium singing for thousands of people.

 _Man! I feel like a woman!_

On woman I spin around and point, only to find someone standing in the entrance watching me. I jump and scream instantly because I didn't register who's standing in front of me at first.

"Deacon! Oh my god, you scared me!"  
He sets his bags down on the floor beside him and walk over to me sweeping me up and attacks my lips. He pulls away and says,  
"Good" kiss. "God" kiss. "I've" kiss. "missed" kiss. "you." kiss.  
I chuckle as we pull apart after the last kiss and he sets me back down onto the ground.  
"I've missed you too. Come on, I made us some spaghetti." I grab his hand and lead him to the kitchen where I make him a plate and set it down next to mine. We eat and enjoy each other's company in silence. Once we've both finish I pick up our plates set them into the sink. I gather the left overs putting them in the fridge and Deacon starts doing the dishes. I finish stacking the food in the fridge and he start handing me the clean ones to dry them off and put them back up where I got them. When he finishes the last dirty dish he turns the water off but I turn the water back on and grab the hose spraying him straight in the face. The front of his shirt is drenched and his mouth gawks open in shock.  
"Oh, you're going to pay for that." And I take off, but I am not fast enough and he catches me before I even leave the kitchen and carries me back into the bedroom.

I can feel him through my clothes, he is hard as stone. He places me on the dresser and steps between my legs and starts kissing me passionately. We duel tongues, sucking, nipping, lapping. I grab his hair pulling him to me. He left my mouth to trail kisses down my neck and kiss the mound of my breasts. I can feel him slowly rubbing his erection against me, it's a powerful sensation and I am leaning into it. I am pulling him in rubbing his back grabbing his nicely rounded ass. Suddenly he breaks our kiss and pulls my hands from around him. He cups my breast in his hands and gently rubs peaking my nipples. "Take off your clothes."

Looking at the desire in his eyes all I can think is damn I love this man. He steps back to watch. I step onto the floor and start to strip. I wiggle out of my shorts and them to the floor, when they hit the floor I grab the bottom hem of my t-shirt and lift it over my head then toss it to the floor and stand in front of him in my olive green with black lace bra and matching thong. I can see the evidence of his desire tenting the front of his jeans. "Come here." He said. He proceeds to pick me up as if I am as light as a feather. I clasp my legs around him angling my hot spot right onto his long erection and start to grind into

"Ray he rasped, let's go to bed." He lays me on the bed and starts to kiss me again. "Deacon, I need you now. I can't wait."

He pulls my thong off and unhooks my bra as he continues to kiss my mouth like a starving man. He leaves my mouth and goes down to my exposed breasts. My lower body starts to move rhythmically as he puts one of his fingers inside of me "You are so wet babe."

"Deacon pleaseeee." I need him to kiss me down there, I am aching for it. He leaves my breasts for my stomach tracing kisses and licking. Moving to my thighs with sweet tender kisses until he reaches my core and they turn hungry and make my toes curl. He comes back up while ripping his jeans off. I raise my legs to receive him. He is thick and hard prodding my entrance. He circles his tip before entering me. He enters slowly angling himself inch my inch stretching me. He's going in and out and around, I resist clutching him and pulling all the way because I am tight and I need him to go a little slow so that I can adjust to his size again.

I am hissing at every entry and retreat. I know he is angling for my G-spot and just as I am getting into his rhythm, suddenly he lifts my legs onto his shoulders and enters me fully. "Oh my God Deacon." He starts to move just the way I like it hitting my spot over and over and over again. I'm grabbing the bed comforter so hard my knuckles are turning white. "I've missed you so much Rayna." He keeps pounding but I am too caught up in how he is making me feel to say anything back to him. He knows my body better than any man ever has. He knows what to do with every inch to make me scream for him.

Without missing a beat, he lowers my legs from his shoulders and motions for me to flip over. He bends over me with his hands on my breasts. I look over my shoulder at him encouraging him to go deeper and scream as my knees buckle. He keeps his pace and I am so close. He kisses and nips at my shoulder. "Come with me babe." He continues to pump into me pushing me over the edge climaxing and a few pumps later he roars and empties himself into me.

He collapses onto me and pulls me into his chest. He nuzzles his face into my neck whispers I love you, kisses me right in my nook and pulls me in even closer. We lay in silence and eventually I hear his breathing even out and I know he's drifted off to sleep. I roll over to face him as slowly and as gently as I can. I don't want to wake him, I just want to lay in his arms and run my hand along his beautiful face. His face hasn't changed much since the first time I laid in his arms like this. His hair has more grey in it, on his head and also on his beard. There's more wrinkles on his forehead, and around his eyes, but as I look at him I feel more love for him now, than I did all those years ago. I feel safe, like he would fight every single one of the paparazzi men outside my house if I would let him. I trust him, to know that when we wake up in the morning he is going to choose to be sober and choose me over a bottle of whiskey. I feel cherished and loved and happy, genuinely happy. I whisper "Deacon" into his ear and kiss his neck, and then under his ear biting his earlobe, "Deacon" Then move to his chin and up to his lips. He kisses me back lingering and biting my lower lip. "You up for round two?"

I wake up the next morning and stretch out reaching over to the other side of the bed to touch Deacon, but it's empty and cold. I lift my head and smell the delicious aroma of coffee. I get up from our bed and go over to Deacon's dresser drawer and grab one of his t-shirts. I make my way to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. My hair is a disaster and my eyes are all puffy from not sleeping last night, but out here I don't care. I put my hair up and notice that I have a hicky on my neck, that man has no shame. I brush my teeth and open the bathroom door in a rush to go and get that coffee. However, there on our bed is Deacon with a breakfast tray on his lap. There's a plate of eggs, toast with some strawberries cut in half on top and a very large cup of coffee. "Good morning gorgeous, I made you some breakfast." I walk over to him and pick the tray off of his lap and set it onto the bed. "That is very sweet of you, thank you." I straddle him wrapping my arms around his neck and kiss him deep grinding my lower half into him. He rolls us over away from the tray but I panic and pull away, "Babe the coffee!" we look over and the tray is fine but more importantly so is the coffee. "Maybe breakfast in bed wasn't the best idea." I laugh and sit up, "Maybe not. Let's go to the kitchen". He grabs the tray and we walk into the kitchen and sit at the bar to eat our breakfast.

The breakfast was delicious and I am sitting on the stool enjoying my second cup of coffee as he sips on the rest of his orange juice. "So, I was thinking that today we could go canoeing." He chokes on his orange juice and looks at me with his eyebrow arched, "Canoeing? You want to go canoeing? Are you feeling ok?" he lifts his hand up to my forehead to check my temperature, but I swat his hand away. "Yes, I'm fine. I've just…I've been trapped inside of my house for almost two weeks. No fresh air, nothing but the same beige colored walls. I want to enjoy this weather, this land, the view and I want to do it with you. So, will you go canoeing with me?" He turns my chair to face me directly and moves his hands up and down my thighs, "I would love to go canoeing with you." He kisses me and we get up and head back into the bedroom to change.

I want to take a shower, but ultimately it would pointless because I would just take another one when we got back. So, I pulled my hair into a high pony tail and started going through the clothes I packed. I pull a pair of plain regular shaded blue jeans and a white long sleeve, my dark green puffy vest out, with my cream Sherpa jacket and different fall colored checkered scarf. I'm sitting on the bed pulling up my grey hunter boots when Deacon comes out of the bathroom, "How did I get so lucky?" He places his fingers into my belt loops and pulls me in real close. "I don't think luck has anything to do with it." I kiss him and tilt my hips farther into him and he moves his hands to grab my ass. "No, we are getting out of this house. Let's go!" I pull away from him and walk out of the room and head outside.

Deacon pulls the canoe out of the shed and I stand watching admiring my view. He pulls it to the edge of the lake and steps in almost falling but catches himself last minute. I laugh at him and he shoots me these daggers warning me to stop but it only makes me laugh harder. I stop and apologize followed by reaching out my hands asking for help into the raft. He helps me in and pushes us off.

He paddled and I sat enjoying looking out at the lake. We talked about little things, but mostly we both sat embracing nature. Normally I'm not the nature girl, I hate it when Deacon tries to get me to go fishing with him, but recently I've learned on an occasion it's not so bad. I'm enjoying the quiet and after going none stop for six months I'm really enjoying being lazy, sleeping in and having no responsibilities. However, sitting in this canoe watching the man in front of me and that huge smile on his face makes me even happier. He loves it out here and I know he doesn't get to come out here as often as he would like. When he's not touring with me, everyone in Nashville wants him for writing, session work, his regular playing gigs, and watching Scarlett and Gunnar. He has his own separate crazy life of being pulled in all these separate directions, and out here he gets to drop everything and do the things that relax him.

We paddled for a few hours but we started making our way back when I could hear Deacon's stomach growling from my side of the canoe. I really don't want left over spaghetti, and everything else he has scares me too much to even try to eat. So, I convince Deacon to come grocery shopping with me in town. It's a small store and I hope that with some sunglasses people won't notice us. We pull up in Deacon's truck and I am unbuckling my seat belt when he grabs my hand and says, "Maybe I should go in alone. I'm way less likely to get recognized but more importantly I don't want the magazines to have any more ammunition against you. It pisses me off the things they are saying." I place my hand on the side of his cheek and say, "Babe that is so sweet, and it makes me love you even more knowing you want to protect me. But I'm not going to let them stop me from living the rest of my life. So, let's go grocery shopping."

I grab a basket and Deacon and I walk up and down the aisles grabbing what we need for the rest of the weekend. I'm grabbing vegetables and chicken while he throws in chips and a few cans of spaghetti o's. I feel like I'm shopping with the girls, them throwing in things that we don't need. We finish up rather quickly and on our way out I grab a white wine for me. We are standing in line and I am surrounded by my face. _Cheater or Cheated? Abandoning her daughters? They did more than just sing on that tour. Pregnant and it's Deacons._ Each title gets worse as I look up and down the rack. I look up at Deacon and his face is bright red with anger, holding the one that says I am pregnant. Do I really look pregnant? "Deacon, look at me please." He pulls his face from the magazine and throws it back on the rack. "Don't let this ruin our weekend, we know the truth and my girls know the truth and that is all that matters to me." He pulls me in, wrapping his arms around my neck and I bury my head into his chest and wrap my arms around his waist.

After I pulled away and we left that store, it was like nothing even happened. We get back to the house, unload the groceries and Deacon decides he wants to make me dinner tonight. So, I grab the book I packed from my purse and read in the living room as he started cooking. I peak over his direction when he cusses from doing something wrong and smile with admiration. He's trying and its extremely cute.

He made chicken with asparagus, a salad and brought it over to me on the couch with a glass of wine. He joined me on the couch and the food was impressive and extremely good. But I could feel him staring at me half way through my meal so I set my plate on the coffee table and pulled my legs up under me and said, "Ok spit it out." He sets his plate down too and says, "I love this, I love spending my days with you, going to bed with you and waking up holding you in my arms. I've really missed you Rayna." I scoot closer and grab his hands in mine, "I know I've really missed you too. These past few weeks have been hard, really hard, most days the only thing that gets me through are our late-night phone calls." "I meant what I said when I showed up at your door that night on tour, I want to be there for you through all of this but I also want to be there for Maddie and Daphne." "You have Deacon! You've been amazing, supportive, attentive, loving, understanding. I know this has been just as hard on you as it has been on me. I appreciate everything you have been doing." "I'm not trying to be pushy or make anything in your life any harder but I want us to go to the next step. I want to come over for dinner with you and the girls…not just as Uncle Deacon, I want to be honest with them." I stand up and grab my plate and move it to the kitchen. He stays in the living room but turns on the couch to look watch me. I set my plate in the sink and pour my glass full of white wine and take a few giant gulps and refill it before returning to him. "Ok. You're right, I want to be honest with them."

We sat on the couch for the rest of the night, my back pressed up against his shoulders and legs stretched out along the couch as I continued to read. Deacon played some old black and white movie, and we just enjoyed each other's presence. I dozed off at some point because I wake up to Deacon carrying me wedding style back to our bedroom. I nestle into his chest inhaling his scent. Once he laid me down I got a second wind of energy and we made love three times before we passed out entangled in each other.

I am the first to wake up the next morning so I sneak out of bed and make the breakfast. I'm craving waffles so I start the mix and sip on my coffee. I'm all done but Deacon still hasn't woken up. I walk in and he is snoring fast asleep on his side of the bed. I go back to the kitchen and grab his plate of waffles. I walk back into our room and waft the waffles under Deacon's nose and his nose rises up and his eyes flutter open. "I made waffles." I kiss him awake and say, "We'll be in the kitchen." I hadn't even sat back down and he came up behind me kissed my cheek and joined me at the bar.

I wasn't as hungry as I had thought so I had a lot of left on my plate so he grabbed it and finished it off for me. "So, Ray why don't you go take a nice long bath and I'll clean up this kitchen and gather what we need for my plan today." I hop off of my stool and place myself in between his legs with my arms wrapped around his neck. "I was hoping you would join me in the shower." I kiss him and pull at the back of his head. "As tempting as that is I want to do something nice for you today. And the only way I can do that is if you go and stop distracting me." I move my arms away and distance myself from his legs, "Fine." But I decide to tease him as I go so I strip my whole way to the bathroom. He is sitting on the stool and I pull my shirt over my head and set it down into his lap. I walk a few steps away and toss my bra to the floor. I walk a little further and drop my shorts and right at the bathroom entrance I drop my panties and turn to look at him before I shut the door. I hear him say, "That woman will be the death of me." once I've closed the door.

I took a long bubble bath and got out feeling refreshed. As much as I wanted to shower with Deacon it was nice to have some alone time to think. I knew Deacon was serious about our relationship and fully dedicated to making it work but him being so blunt about wanting more so soon kind of caught me off guard. I want us to move forward too, but the girls are still adjusting is it really the right time to rock the boat again? He's been so loving and patient, is it fair of me to ask him to be a little more patient? I don't know, maybe I'm being too protective I mean they've known Deacon their whole lives and they have some inkling of our history, would it really be that big of deal? I got out when I started to prune and began my routine. Deacon came in in the middle of me doing my hair to take a shower. We ended up walking out of the bathroom together finishing at the same time.

"Ok so what do you have in store for today?" He leads me out of the house without saying anything. When we reach the porch, he pulls a blind fold out of his pocket and holds it out in front of us. "It's not a long walk but I want to surprise you. Will you wear it for me?" "Babe, you know I hate blindfolds." He kisses me sweetly and pouts a little, "Fine!" He ties it over my eyes and leads me down the land. We can only go down so I am just praying he doesn't make me trip over a rock and fall on my face. "Ok stop." He is behind me and drops the blindfold. My eyes are closed at first and I open them slowly to adjust to the lighting.

In front of me on patch of grass looking out at the lake is a picnic blanket. On the blanket is a basket he filled with food, a bucket of Champaign and water for him, a vase with an assortment of flowers and set off to the side is his guitar and my notepads. I gasp and place my hands over my mouth and I can feel my eyes start to water. "Deacon this is…I don't even know what to say. Thank you." I turn and kiss him with everything I have. He places his hands on the side of my face, taking the lead and I gladly let him. I wrap my arms around his waist and we stand like this until I'm breathless and I have to let go. He laces his hand into mine and we walk to the beautiful arrangement he's made.

He pops the Champaign and the cork flies into the air and it starts to overflow and I laugh at him trying to contain it to the glasses he brought down here. After he opens the basket and inside are bags of freshly cut fruits for me and two sandwiches for him. I'm picking at the different fruits he cut for me as he reaches for his guitar. "So I thought we could spend our last day out here doing what we use to do out here on our days off." I set my Champaign down and look up at him, "I love that idea. Hand me my pad."

We wrote for a little while but we were stuck and going back and forth on a verse. Deacon could tell I was getting a little agitated so he changed the subject away from our song. "Hey, you remember that song I wrote for you like 17 years ago?" I was laying on my back and looked up at him questionably, "Which one?" "Haha very funny." I sit up and look at him, "Babe can I ask you something?" He's still strumming his guitar not even looking my direction, "Sure." I'm playing with my pen in my hand spinning around the top of my fingers and catching it back in between my thumb and middle finger. It's one of my nervous habits, "Have all of your songs been about me?" He stopped strumming and looked at me, "Yes. There is a piece of you in every song I've ever written. I don't know how to explain it other than to say I never planned it that way and I never had that as some kind of goal. It's just every time I write somehow you become a part of my song, even when I try so hard not to. Is that weird?"

I sat up and grabbed his hand he had resting over his guitar, "No, it's not weird. I get it, sometimes I would be writing and thinking I was going one direction with a song that can't possibly have anything to do with us, but then somehow it would circle back." He kisses me and I want to pull him closer to me but his stupid guitar is stopping me. "But you know I look back now and realize that all of my music is my love story for you. In the beginning, I would write about needing this girl who was way out of my league. Then once I got you it was all happy, which was a strange transition for me. And then when I lost you, those came easier because sad songs and me are just like a natural flow. But now, we're finally at a good place and fine and I get to write about that." I squeeze his hand a little and say, "You're right, we're finally fine."

After listening to what Deacon had to say about his view on his musical career I got an idea for a chorus. It came easy and quicker than any other chorus I've ever written, mostly because I just took what he said and scrambled it around to make it flow. I showed it to him when I was done and we ran through it with the other verses we put together.

 ** _Rayna:_** _  
It's been a long, hard road for you and me  
 **Deacon:  
**_ _And there were times it seems like we weren't meant to be  
_ ** _Both:  
_** _Love went wrong like a sad, sad song  
_ _Oh, but we kept holding on  
_ _Guess every nighttime finds a dawn eventually_

 ** _Both:  
_** _We're finally fine  
_ _We're finally fine  
_ _Now all those tears don't matter  
_ _Cause it was just a matter of time  
_ _Until that dream came true  
_ _When all those stars aligned  
_ _I'm finally yours  
_ _You're finally mine  
_ _We're finally fine_

 ** _Deacon:  
_** _They say the good things come to those who wait  
_ _ **Rayna:  
**_ _And the road to what you want is always straight  
_ _ **Both:  
**_ _The twists and turns will break your heart  
_ _And tear a lesser love apart  
_ _But they can't touch ours  
_ _'Cause they can't play fair_

 ** _Both:  
_** _All the good we'll finally get to feel  
_ _All the make believe is finally real_

 ** _Both:  
_** _We're finally fine  
_ _We're finally fine  
_ _Now all those tears don't matter  
_ _Cause it was just a matter of time  
_ _Until that dream came true  
_ _When all those stars aligned  
_ _I'm finally yours  
_ _You're finally mine  
_ _We're finally fine  
_ _We're finally fine_ _  
_

 ** _Both:  
_** _Our love was torn, and tattered  
_ _It was just a matter of time  
_ _Until the dream came true  
_ _When all those stars aligned  
_ _ **Rayna:  
**_ _I'm finally yours  
_ _ **Deacon:  
**_ _You're finally mine  
_ _ **Both:  
**_ _We're finally fine  
_ _We're finally fine_


	14. Chapter 14

Our perfect little weekend away is over and we are packing up to leave. I'm excited to see the girls, but at the same time I'm sad to have to say goodbye to Deacon. We don't know when we'll be able to do this again, but we both know it won't be anytime soon. I'm standing in the living room looking around when Deacon comes in from packing our bags into the cars. He wraps his arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder, "You happy?" A smile creeps up on my face as he plants a sweet and gentle kiss on my cheek, "Yeah. I'm happy."

Deacon followed me to my house in his truck to help me unload everything. I told him I could do it, and not to worry about it, but he insisted. We pull up to my gate and there is still a swarm of reporters outside, but I drive straight past them paying them no attention. I refuse to give them the satisfaction in ruining my new mindset and what is left of this weekend.

After he brought my bags up to my room, I proceeded to unpack them as he sat on my bathroom countertop. I had done both of our laundry before we left so I just needed to put everything away. I hate not doing it the moment I get home because it'll end up sitting there for weeks. I finish with my toiletries, and he is lingering close to me. I can tell he does not want me to finish, because that means he will have to leave. But we both know he needs to leave before Teddy shows up with the girls to avoid any unnecessary drama.

I'm walking him to the kitchen back door when I hear it open and distinct "Mom!". We turn the corner entering the kitchen and these two gorgeous human beings coming my direction to give me a warm hug. I embrace them pushing them as close to me as I can and kiss the tops of their heads. "I missed y'all so much! How was your weekend with your Dad?" I'm so enamored with Maddie and Daphne I completely forget Teddy is standing by the door and Deacon is right beside me.

I sense Teddy's glare so I pull my attention from Daphne and look up at him. His face is turning a shade of red and I can tell he's about to explode. "That sounds great Daph. Why don't you tell Uncle Deacon while I go talk to your Dad." She shrugs slightly and takes Deacon's hand in hers pulling him into the living room, with Maddie not far behind them. He looks back at me asking me if I'm ok with his eyes and I nod reassuring him its ok.

"What is he doing in my house?"  
"This is not your house anymore Teddy. You moved out, we're getting a divorce. Who I bring into this house is no longer any of your business."  
"When it concerns my daughters, it is my business. I don't want him around them!"  
"Don't be ridiculous. He's known those girls their whole lives."  
"I don't care. I don't want him anywhere near them unless I am present. Just because you are naive enough to trust him for the hundredth time doesn't mean I do. He's an alcoholic, and I'm serious Rayna."  
"He's been sober for 15 years and would never do anything to hurt them! He would die to protect them, he loves them like they are his own. You need to grow up and let go of this petty jealousy that consumes you anytime you see him because its old and pathetic. Thank you for dropping them off, but it's time for you to leave."

I lead him back to the door, opening it for him and yell over my shoulder to the girls, "Girls your father is leaving." They come back into the kitchen and Deacon comes in slowly behind them. They give him a hug goodbye and say I love you. He leaves but not before giving me a warning glare. I shut the door behind him and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "Can Deacon stay for dinner mom?" I turn to see Deacon standing in the middle of both of my daughters with his arms resting on each one of their shoulders. "If Deacon wants to stay for dinner, he is welcome to." He smiles at me and says, "I would love to."

They join me around the kitchen where I start pulling out everything we need to make a pizza. We knead the dough, hand toss it around to make it round and firm and add all the different topping, all the while the girls are talking none stop about everything they did. Teddy apparently kept their entire weekend jam packed with things to do. From going to the movies, having a luxuries spa day and ending with a trip to Tiffany's for matching necklaces.

The whole time they are talking I can't keep my eyes from wondering back to Deacon to watch his expressions as they speak. He never turns his attention from them to me, which is rare. He's listening closely really engaged in their stories asking questions and laughing with them. Especially when Maddie tells us the story of Daphne licking her ice cream cone once and the whole thing landing flat on the floor. Seeing him interact with them reminds me of the day Scarlett was born.

 _We're on the bus on our way to a show in Ohio. I'm at the small kitchen table thing with Pete, Adam and Dave playing poker. Deacon was back in our room taking a nap, he'd had a headache the last three days that he just cannot get rid of. Nothing was working and driving around hours after hours on a small bus was not helping him._

 _I had a pocket aces and was about to go all in when he came crashing out of our door. "Ray, I gotta go. I have to get to an airport, or a bus station, something I don't know. Where are we?" He's scrambling to pull his jacket over his flannel, looking around the bus for I don't even know what with a panicked expression. "Wow, babe slow down. Breath. What's going on?" I'm standing in front of him rubbing my hands up and down his shoulders trying to get him to stop and talk to me. "Bev's in labor. I gotta go, I promised her I'd be there. I'm sorry, Dave can fill in for me at the show." He pushed past me to the front of the bus going up to the driver, "Hey Kristen can you stop at the next anything and let me off please?"_

 _"Deacon! If Bev's in labor I'm coming with you. You're my family, and she's yours, so her and that little girl are my family now too!"_

 _Kristen took the bus straight to the airport and we caught the first flight to Natchez. From the moment Deacon came out of our room on the bus, something in him changed. It was remarkable to witness this selflessness he now possessed. He was consumed with this fear and panic but underneath that was this hope and joy that I had never seen before._

 _We got to the hospital and Beverly had already had the baby a few hours before. Apparently, her labor was quick and rather easy once she opted for the epidural. We went to the new born room first but she wasn't in there with the rest of the babies, and the nurse told us she was with Beverly in her room 302. We went up to her room and Beverly was sleeping but next to her was this glass box and inside was this perfect rosy little girl wrapped in a pink blanket sleeping peacefully. Deacon's face in that moment melted with pure love. In 2.2 seconds that little girl had him wrapped around her little finger. His eyes began to water and his first instinct was to go straight up to her and pick her up._

 _He grabbed her placing one hand under her head and cradling her body up to his chest. She cooed and leaned into him, like she knew him. "She's gorgeous." He whispered and ran his index finger over her chubby little cheeks. She started to stir waking up and showing him her beautiful blue eyes and I whispered back to him, "Yes, she is."_

I had never seen Deacon like that. He became even more of the man I always knew he was the day Scarlett blessed his life with her presence. He never disappointed her, being there for every milestone he could. He sent almost all of his money back for her, bought her anything she needed or wanted. Making our pizza dinner, I see the same joy and hope in his eyes. Just standing there talking to them, he makes me fall even more in love with him.

After we finished our dinner the girls asked if they could go into the music room and play for a little while before going to bed. I agreed and told them they could for an hour or so then it was baths and bed. So, they darted off and Deacon and I were left in the kitchen alone. I started picking up the dirty dishes and he grabbed the ones I left behind bringing them to the sink with me. I started to wash them and he reached for something causing me to jump high into the air. He grinned over at me and said, "Scared Ray?" I laugh and swat his arm with my hand, "You wouldn't dare." He laughs pulling me into a hug, "You're right. I'll just sit over here and enjoy my view."

I was putting the last dish away and Deacon was asking me what my plans for the week were when the girls popped back in. They strolled over to Deacon and asked, "Uncle Deacon can we show you something?" He raised his eyebrow and looked at me questioningly but I shrugged me shoulders because I had no idea what they wanted to show him. "Of course you can." They walk into the living room, leaving me in the kitchen, when Maddie yells over her shoulder, "Oh mom you can come too." I laugh setting the towel on the sink, and yell back, "Gee thanks Maddie."

Deacon and I sit on the couch, a little closer than we normal are but still not touching. Maddie pulls her guitar out from beside the couch and says, "Daph and I have been working on this for a few weeks and we want to play it for you." She nodded at her sister and started the guitar entrance and I instantly knew what song they were about to play. I had to resist my instinct to reach for his hand as Daphne took my beginning lines of the song.

 **Daphne:  
** _Don't you try to tell me someone's waitin'.  
They're not waitin' for you.  
Oh and don't you try to tell me that you're wanted  
That you're needed.  
Cause it's not true.  
I know why you're lonely.  
It's time you knew it too. _

_No one will ever love you.  
No one will ever love you.  
No one will ever love you.  
Like I do._

 **Maddie:  
** _Why you always lookin' for the lime light?  
_ _Ain't you satisfied with me?  
_ _For once why don't you get down off your high heels  
_ _You're no big deal, can't you see._

 **Both:** _  
I know why you're lonely  
It's time you knew it too.  
No one will ever love you  
No one will ever love you  
No one will ever love you  
Like I do._

 **Maddie:  
** _I'm all you've got_

 **Daphne:** _  
I'm all you'll ever need_

 **Maddie:  
** _I'm all you'll ever have_

 **Both:** _  
No one will ever love you  
No one will ever love you  
No one will ever love you  
Like I do  
_ _Like I do  
_ _Like I do_

The song finished and I was speechless. I think Deacon could sense I was lost for words because he jumped in with, "I think we're in trouble Ray. They sound better than us, and Maddie's mastered the guitar transitions sounding like a real pro." She lit up and blushed a little, "Really?" "Oh absolutely. You're better than half the session musicians I work with. Which is a little surprising considering who your mom is." He nudges me slightly and my mouth drops open in shock. I cannot believe he just said that, and that the girls bursted out laughing. "Very funny." Daphne is the first to stop laughing and give me her I'm sorry eyes before saying, "Well, Deacon since you liked it so much, will you come and see us perform it at our school's talent show? It's in three weeks." He looks over at me and I just nod my head letting him know it's ok with me if he wants to go. He turns back to them with a huge smile and says, "I would be honored."

We sat talking for a little while but I eventually send the girls up to their rooms to start getting ready for bed. I'd let them stay up way later than usual and tomorrow was going to be a struggle to get them up. They hug Deacon goodbye and run upstairs. I walk him to the door and give him a hug goodbye. I linger a little not really wanting him to go. He pulls back and brushes a strand of hair away from my face and says, "Today, was all I've wanted every day for the last 15 years. A day of doing mundane things with you and them. Thank you." I lean into him and give him a long but gentle kiss. He places his hands on the sides of my face to deepen it, but I hear a distant "MOM" from upstairs. "That's my cue."


End file.
